I know now, who I am is better than who I used to be.

I haven't updated since Thanksgiving because there has been a lot going on. Its not that I haven't had time, its just that I have had so much on my mind and so much time to think that I wanted to try and figure things out before I came and wrote about it. It didn't really work. I'm still lost. I'm still clueless. I still need something to change.

I lost my job a week ago. I don't know the exact reason and I didn't care to ask when I was getting laid off. I tried to hide the fact that I hated my job by pretending to love it. I was miserable. Working 10 hour days, not getting any kind of praise for what I was doing or all the extra shit I had to deal with. Instead I got bitched at for the small things that I did wrong. I look at losing the job as a blessing in disguise. I'm the kind of person that's afraid to just quit because its scary being unemployed. Especially when you have bills. I would've stayed at that dead end job for as long as it was available to me, even being miserable, because I was afraid to go look for something else, something better. So now that I am unemployed, I've had a lot of time to myself, to think. You'd think I'd figure out somethings. Maybe figure out what I'm doing with my life, my future, a career. I haven't. All I've thought about is how miserable I have been for the past couple years. I know exactly when it started. I know the exact reason. I think I know how to fix it. The problem is actually being able to do it.

I made a huge mistake a couple years ago. I tried to change who I was. You'd think I would have a good reason to do this, but I didn't. It all came down to a girl. The girl. The one I'm always rambling about how I ruined everything and blah blah blah. Well after I messed that situation up I acted on pure jealousy. She started dating an older guy. A guy who seemed to have his shit together. He had a house, money, a full time job. I thought in order to have any chance at getting her back, I needed to get my shit together. So I went out, got a full time job, within a couple months I bought a new car, a few months later, I moved out of my parents house. All this seemed like a good idea at the time. By the time I had all that going for me it had already been too late. She had moved on, I had a new girlfriend, everything was different. But here I was, a "man". I had bills that I couldn't afford, I had a job that I didn't want, I was on my own. The main thing about this is that I gave up everything that I was because I thought it was for the best. I tried to grow up because I thought that's what I needed to do. That's what everyone tells you that you need to do. Society tells you that in order to be an adult, you need a job and responsibilities. So pretty much society teaches us that in order to be adults, we have to be miserable. Come on, be honest with yourself, does anyone actually want to work? For the few people that actually like their jobs, most of us probably wouldn't consider what they do work. If people say they like their job, its probably because they do something that most people would kill to be able to do for a living. Not everyone can be an athlete, actor, musician, artist. Most of us have to take the shit jobs in the world because that's what we think we are supposed to do. Its what we are told we HAVE to do. I don't want to. I'm going to do everything I can so that I don't have to either.

I wasn't born to work in a warehouse. I wasn't born to sit at a computer all day. I know I wasn't made for any of that. As adolescent and unrealistic as it may be, I know I was made to play music. I know there is more to life than materialistic bullshit. I bought a car I shouldn't have because I thought it would make me happy. It has made me miserable. All the money that I have worked for has gone to that stupid thing and I hate it. I work so I can pay for that stupid car and everyday I wish that I could just crash the damn thing into a lake and not have to pay for it anymore. Life would be so much easier. I think I'm close to the point where I can get rid of it now that I don't owe as much for it. That's my goal. Once I get rid of the car, I feel like I will have more freedom to do what I know I should be doing. I have made a promise to myself to not let anything hold me back from what I want to do. I don't care what job I have when the time comes, I am not holding on to anything that slows down the forward progress. I rather be in debt and happy doing something I love, than be working a job I hate so I can barely make it by. I have been living someone else's life for the past couple years and I'm not doing it anymore. I tried to conform to what society says we should be, and its not for me. I'm going to start living my life for myself again. Knowing that has made me the happiest I have been in years. Here goes everything.

Thanks For Stayin'

Thanksgiving 2009. I'm still in bed, woke up a couple hours ago, I have no reason to get out of bed yet. My life lately has consisted of work, and recording. That's pretty much it. I haven't really left my house in the past couple weeks other than to get food, go to a movie, and watch the Forrest Griffin fight. My friends are diminishing by the day, I can go a whole day without looking at my phone and knowing I won't be missing anything I care about. I'll come home, record, watch something on TV or a movie, shower, eat, and sleep. You'd think that this would bother me, but I like it better than dealing with everyone else. There are so many fake people I have involved myself with over the past 23 years of my life. It feels good to just cut myself off from that. I'm alone and it feels better than I have in years. So I guess I'm thankful for that.

I'm not gonna sit here and say that I haven't been fake to anyone, because I have. I just find it hard to say how I feel sometimes. I don't want to hurt anyone that I care about, but at the same time I hate keeping it to myself and just letting it build up. I've felt used, unappreciated, taken for granted a lot. I have sat there and done things knowing that they'd bother me and kept my mouth shut about it. I've smiled at people knowing that inside I was very angry at them. So I finally just cut them off. Without a word. I don't like confrontation, even though it seems to find me very easily. I'm just the kind of person that is going to stick up for myself and not be disrespected. I've gotten in a few arguments with friends lately cause I didn't like certain things and I spoke out about it. In other situations I've kept my mouth shut. But I guess its all about to come out.

I don't like being used. I'm not an idiot. I know when someone is just using me for a ride to somewhere to see someone. I think its funny when they try to act all buddy buddy with me when they know I'm going somewhere they want to go, just so I'll give them a ride. Funny that after we get back home, I don't hear from that person till the next time I'm going to the same place. Don't call me your best friend when all you care about is using me for a ride to see your boyfriend. People who start dating someone and then drop their friends are not people I want to associate with. There should always be balance, and you don't know how to do that. You put everything into that relationship and because of that, ours has suffered, to the point where I don't care if we never speak again. I'm not someone who is just there for you when its convenient for you. That's not how friendships work. So if you read this, and you know exactly who you are, don't waste your time anymore. I gave up. You're not the person I thought you were.

Other than that, I've just cut myself off from people because I was tired of stupid confrontation. I've been locked up in the studio recording because it seems like music is the only thing that I enjoy doing. I just wish I had more people that were as serious about it as I am. Everyone is all talk. A bunch of empty promises. Nothing gets done and I was tired of sitting back and waiting for something to change. So I started my own projects. Not relying on anyone else but myself. I am happy with it so far.

I don't want to leave the house today. I'm supposed to go down to Miami with my family to have dinner at my Aunt's, but I don't want to. I just don't feel like being around people. My family already thinks I'm the most anti-social person in the world. It's probably because I am. I have always been quiet around family. Probably because they all speak Spanish and I don't. I did when I was a little kid, but growing up around a bunch of white kids and not using it makes you forget. So if I go, I'll end up sitting alone watching football on TV. I rather stay here and record so at least I'll feel like I'm being productive.

Hopefully I'll have more time to update all my stuff now that I don't have a social life. I can't record all day everyday, so maybe in between the TV shows and movies, I'll make a quick stop on here. Wish me luck.

Best Laid Plans

So its been a few weeks since I have graced you with my presence. I've been really busy. I started the new job so everyday is pretty busy. I get home from work at like 6:30. By the time I shower and eat its already 8:00. That leaves me about two hours to do what I need to do before I go to bed. Yeah 10:00 is pretty early to be going to sleep, but if I go to bed too late I will be dead tired the next day at work. So I try to get the most sleep that I can. Doesn't leave much time for writing. On top of that, I've been out of town for three out of the past four weekends, and last weekend I had people here from out of town. So my free time has been pretty limited. I'm forcing myself to stay awake right now just so I can write a little bit. We'll see how much I can get done.

Basically, I've spent the past month at work, in Orlando, or sleeping. The highlights have pretty much been the weekends. The first one I went up for the Miami VS UCF game. Miami won. Tailgated, hung out with some friends, went to a party. It was a fun weekend. The next weekend I went back up with my best friend Nicole. I took her to see her boyfriend, and I went off and did my own thing. Spent Friday night with my friend Liz. Got in pretty late so we didn't do anything exciting. Saturday I went to watch the Miami VS Clemson game. Miami lost in overtime. After the game I jammed with some old band mates. We went to Best Buy and some of them now have music sections in the store. They sell some of the worst music equipment possible, but our friend is a manager there so we snuck some amps into the drum room and played a bunch of stuff for about an hour. We had people coming in the room to check out what was going on. It was a good time. Went back to the house and jammed more there. Sunday we went downtown to an old high school friend's condo. He makes really good money and lives on the top floor of one of Orlando's tallest buildings. There's a pool on the roof and you can see all of Orlando from the top. It was amazing. We watched football and went swimming. The next week went by without anything interesting. Halloween was uneventful. Did a last minute drive to Orlando to see The Almost. They were awesome. Also had to sit through The Used. They were not awesome. Stayed with Mike C. Sunday I watched more football with old friends. Got out of Orlando pretty early so I could make it back early enough to get a decent night of sleep.

Last week was by far the busiest week in a long time. Two band practices on Tuesday, Wednesday I went to see American Me, hung out with Tony after and went to get food at Latin American Grill. Thursday, two more band practices. Friday, the Outlet Through Noise benefit that I helped put together. I got out of work at 4:30 and went to pick up Nicole. Drove straight to The Talent Farm, met up with Kristen and Justin from OTN, dropped off a bunch of free drinks my job gave me to pass out, went to get ice, back to the venue, filled the coolers with the drinks and ice, and then the show began. I played for two bands that night. We managed to raise a decent amount of money for the charity. I wish we could've done more, but it was out of our hands. Either way, I had an amazing time. We went to Friday's after and ate, and then I drove Nicole home and came back to my house with Kristen and Justin. I had a really good time with them. Even though it was a short visit, I was glad they came down. We went to breakfast the next day before they headed back to Gainesville. I went out to lunch with Brett, his fiance, and Pat after an hour of work. We ate Tropical Smoothie which is so amazingly good. Then we all went to Sam Ash and messed around on the fun toys they have. We make the best music. Saturday night was just relaxing. I was really tired after the show so I just wanted to go to sleep early. Sunday I went out to eat with my friend Ryann. She took me to Tree Tops park in Davie. We walked around in the forest for a little while. Saw a lot of spiders. Took some pictures. It was a good day. I skipped out on the Hit The Lights show to relax at home.

Life has been pretty simple. I don't mind it though. I like just letting things play out. I haven't been too let down from wanting certain things, I've just been taking everything for whatever it is. For example, a few weeks ago I hung out with someone who has a boyfriend, we went to a movie, the whole time she complained to me about how she thinks he's cheating on her. I was respectful and didn't say much about it. Inside I knew what I wanted to say, but I find that its pointless to tell people, especially girls, what you think about their boyfriends and the situation they are in. Chances are they will not do anything about it. So I just let it go. It would've been nice to kiss her, or to eventually date her, but it will probably never happen. That's life. Another example, I hung out with someone else a couple days later, watched some movies together at her house, we cuddled, the night ended well. But after, we didn't really talk much. I tried, but it just didn't seem to happen. So I gave up. Every once in a while I'll see how she's doing, but I don't bend over backwards trying to make plans because it just doesn't happen no matter what I do. So I just let it be. It kinda sucks, but I don't expect much, so I don't get let down. Finally, the most recent one. Now I'd be an idiot to hope for anything out of it, just because of how highly unlikely it is that anything will ever come out of it, but I found myself wondering anyway. Its weird how the least possible one, is the one I'm most intrigued by. But I knew from the second I felt anything that it was a bad idea. Regardless, I'm just letting it be and hanging out. I'm just getting to know people. Trying to learn more about myself and about them. I know that one day everything will fall into place. So until then, I'm just going with the flow.

I mentioned something about this yesterday on twitter, but I think its weird how I treat some girls better than their boyfriends do, yet I'm the one that's single. Granted, I do go for a lot of shitty girls, if I'm such a good guy, why can't I find a good girl? As much as girls don't like to admit it, a lot of them do prefer the assholes. Nice guys do finish last the majority of the time, I just can't bring myself to being a dick anymore. Back when I was a dick, I blew it with someone who I was in love with. So I promised myself not to ever make that mistake again. I am not a bad guy and I can't fake it like I am. I'm not good at playing games. What you see is what you get. Sorry if that's not good enough. One day I'll find someone who appreciates me. So I don't feel the need to pretend I'm someone else just to end up with the girl. If you rather be treated like shit, I'm sorry. That's just not me. I also find it weird how when I do find a good girl, there is always something standing in the way of it. Whether its distance, a boyfriend, or something else, its always enough to ruin it. I guess I'm just unlucky.

So tonight I got asked to start reviewing albums for a certain website. I'm considering it. I love writing and I love music. I just feel like I'm not a good enough writer. I feel like no one is going to care what I think. But I don't know. I was surprised at how many people enjoyed reading these pointless blogs, so maybe I'll give it a shot. I already do reviews with Brett on Armed With Iron Minds so maybe I'll do a couple for a legit site every once in a while. We will see if I have enough time. For one, I'd have to listen to a lot of music, sometimes stuff I don't like, and then on top of that, write about it. With work and the bands, I think it might be a little much. But I might give it a try.

Lately I have been thinking about someone from my past a lot. I miss this person very much. We had a falling out a few months ago, but in the past few weeks, being in a certain place, seeing certain people and things, its all reminded me of the past. It makes things really hard for me. The other day I had lunch with someone who told me that they weren't over a certain person. Not necessarily the person, but the person that they used to be. I think that's how I have felt for years. I miss someone I used to be with. I miss the times that we had together and how amazing that person made me feel. But I know how much they have changed now, and its different. It's just been on my mind a lot lately. I'm getting older. Yeah twenty-three isn't very old, but I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to be single in my late twenties. I want to find someone to settle down with. Every time I see a movie with a cheesy love story, it makes me wish I had what they have. It's so unrealistic and I've said this a bunch of times, but I still hang on to the hope of it. Maybe I'm naive, but I just hope that one day I can be that lucky.

Everyday I ask myself what is left for me here. Everyday I don't have an answer.

Maybe its time for a change. Maybe I need a break for a while. I don't want to grow up yet. I don't want to be stuck working a job forever yet. I still have dreams. I don't want to let those go. It's just so hard to keep them going. I have so much responsibility now. I'm stuck.

So I'll close my eyes and drift into a world where anything is possible, and maybe I'll stay stuck there. Chances are I'll be back to reality tomorrow at 7:00 when my alarm goes off for work. Until then, find me in dreams.

Armed With A Mind

I'll probably ramble a lot cause I haven't written in a while and I feel like I have a lot to say, so bear with me.

To start, my last post got a lot of attention. Mostly unwanted attention. Certain people that I mentioned didn't like what I had to say, and the post was edited accordingly. I am not happy about that, but I rather not have to deal with the drama. What I said was the whole truth and I should be able to say that, but at the same time, some people don't like the truth. I don't write to cause problems, I just write to say whats on my mind. Some people enjoy it, some people don't. Some people will compliment me on how much they like it, some people will try to tell me how much no one cares and insult me because that's how immature they are. Its all good, I'm not phased by it. I actually laugh at it all.

I am not a fan of drama if you couldn't tell. I try to keep to myself when it comes to that kind of stuff. I try not to get involved with stuff that doesn't involve me. I try not to let myself get dragged into it either. I'm in the process of trying to rid myself of the dramatic people. Its hard when you care about people that are just not good. Some of the people I have associated myself with that last few years seem like they are just magnets for confrontation. I don't want to deal with that kind of stuff anymore. I don't want to be grouped in with certain people because I hang out with them, therefore I am somehow involved in their drama. I don't like that. If it doesn't directly involve me, I want to be kept out of it. I try not to let things bother me, but sometimes I have to stand up for myself when I feel disrespected. I feel like I don't go disrespecting people, so I should be given the same respect. I have my certain lifestyle that I live, and other people have theirs. I never judge, I never insult anyone, or make fun of anyone, so I just want to be treated the same. I don't think its that much to ask.

I think its funny when people try to make me feel stupid or talk down to me. I don't sit on my phone googling useless information all day. I have a job, I have a life, I don't have time for pointless researching. I don't care how many big words you use in your vocabulary, that doesn't make you better than me. Its also funny that half the people I know that went to college have worse jobs than me and get paid less than me. Don't get me wrong, college is needed for a lot of shit, but half the stuff they teach you is stupid pointless shit that you will never need. The fact that you went to college doesn't make you smarter than me. It might mean you know some useless math equations, or scientific formulas, wrote a lot more pointless papers on shit no one cares about, but it doesn't make you better or smarter than me. You see, while you were wasting 4 years of your life with your face in books reading charts and letters, trying to figure out what x and y equal when you use them in this formula that looks like some stupid squiggly lines that a 2 year old drew, I was learning more important things. In a way, I am smarter than a lot of you. I found a way to be happy. I love what I do, I love playing music, I love working with my best friends, and it makes me happy to know that I will not wake up everyday hating my life because I went to school for something I am not happy doing. I respect those of you who become doctors, lawyers, teachers, the people that actually need to go to school. But I am not going to respect anyone who thinks they are better or smarter just because they went to college. Going to school will never teach you what matters in life. It'll never teach you to love, to care, to smile. That's the kind of stuff you can't pay to learn, and in my opinion, its all that will ever matter. Money, material things, status, none of that makes a difference unless you are happy.

The other day I was basically told that I would never be good enough because I have visible tattoos. It really bummed me out at first because it was by someone who I used to care for a lot. This person never came across as someone who would change like that, but they did. I don't know what it was, whether it was college, whether it was the kind of people they met there, I don't really know. The fact is, the person I knew is no longer the same. I can understand as people grow up, their "type" may change. Girls aren't always going to want guys with better hair than theirs or tighter pants. But tattoos? We don't live in the 70s anymore. Everyone has tattoos. Mine are just in places you can't hide them. But why should I have to hide them. They aren't disrespectful to anyone. They aren't inappropriate. They're just there. So to be told that I wouldn't fit in at a function, or a party, or anywhere, just because I have tattoos, was such an insult to me. People that judge by looks alone are not people I want to be associated with. I feel sorry for you in a way. Not everyone with tattoos is a criminal, or a bad person, I know some of the most amazing people in this world who are covered in tattoos. Some of my best friends have them from head to toe and they are the most caring, thoughtful people that I have ever met. The longer people think like you do, the longer this world will be shit. I mean I don't think the world will ever be perfect, but what people choose to put on their bodies, should not effect how other people view them as people. Don't be shallow or judgemental. Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves.

It was only a matter of time before I had something to say about girls. So confusing, so hard to understand, yet I never give up when I should. I'm trying to change that, but its easier said than done. I find it amusing when girls complain about never finding decent guys. Don't blame anyone but yourself on that one. You all go for the shitheads, that's no ones fault but yourself. I don't think its that hard to spot someone who is full of shit, but maybe that's because I am a guy. It's pretty simple, if a guy seems sketchy, he is. If he has a bad reputation, chances are he hasn't changed. No matter how sorry he is, he will screw up again. There are some out there that will change, that will learn from mistakes and learn to be better people, but they have to actually care. Guys will screw up. Their attention will wander. They will want more than what they have. Its the ones that do not take what they have for granted that will stay faithful. Some guys will get hurt and use that as fuel to screw over more girls. Some will turn it around and learn from it and just try harder the next time. Some guys will fuck up with someone they care about and just brush it off and do it to the next one. But some will regret it for the rest of their lives and make sure it never happens again. As a girl, you just have to figure out which one you are dealing with. You control what kind of guys you get involved with. So don't complain when he cheats on you, you stay with him, and expect it not to happen again. Don't be so naive. Oh and step one to finding a decent guy would probably be not being a shitty girl. I don't know how you expect to find a decent guy when you have fucked over a bunch of guys and are known for it.

The past 2 weekends I spent in Orlando with friends, not thinking about girls, just having fun. I have been in a good mood because of that. It feels good to not be looking for someone anymore. I think I'm finally happy with myself, not needing someone else to make me happy. Maybe that's why I was so unhappy for so long. You can't depend on other people to make you happy. You're usually going to be let down. I was, many times. But I think I'm finally at the stage where I know I don't need anyone but myself. I am focusing on myself and getting my shit in order. If someone comes along and it works out, awesome. But I won't go searching for it. It'll happen when its supposed to.

In the next couple weeks I have a ton of stuff going on. Living With Lions is Thursday in Miami. Halloween is this weekend, which I have no idea what I am doing for, but I'm sure I'll find something. Next week Kristen and Justin from OTN are coming in and Friday is the benefit show at Talent Farm. I am really glad I got involved with this charity and have met some amazing people through it. Please come out and support a good cause. Later on in November I have the Fireworks show, NFG/Dashboard in South Florida and Orlando, Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I'm also gonna try to make it out to visit some friends out of town. Tallahassee for sure, Melbourne in December, maybe New York and California. Those will obviously be spread out over time. I can't afford all the traveling just yet. I have some debt to take care of first. I'd love to finally make it to Times Square for New Years, but we will have to see about that.

I think that's all I've got for now. I have a tumblr that I post a song of the day everyday on. Check that out if you haven't yet. Tumblr

Not sure when I'll have more to write about. I probably forgot something on here so maybe I'll be back soon. Till then, take care.

Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past

So I have been thinking about doing this the last couple days and finally decided, why the hell not. I don't really have much to write about, and I feel like I could have a lot to say about this, this being my love life. I mean, my life has pretty much revolved around it, so I felt like writing about the main people that have been a part of it throughout its existence. I'm not gonna include names, I thought about including pictures, and I know it'd make it more interesting, but I might not be too nice about some of these people. If you know me, and have been around long enough, you probably will know who I'm talking about when I'm talking about them. Maybe one day down the road I'll edit it and add the pictures, but for now, just use your imagination.

The Childhood Crush

I met her in Kindergarten. I thought she was God's gift to humanity. At the time, I thought that I would love her for the rest of my life. I hoped we'd get married and have kids and have the perfect life, you know, like they did in the movies. We were reunited again in 4th grade and I started to understand girls a little more than I had back in the coloring in the lines days of Kindergarten. I had a best friend who happened to be a girl, more of a tomboy though, but she helped me out talking to the crush. Thanks to my best friend I found out all the secrets that I wasn't supposed to know. I remember it specifically to this day because at the time, I thought it was the best day of my life. I walked in to class late, took my seat next to the best friend and she told me she had some good news. She had told the crush that I "liked" her and it just so happened that the crush "liked" me too. I had the biggest smile on my face the rest of the day. I got the courage to ask the girl to hang out with me and see a movie. I think we saw The Cable Guy in theaters. I don't remember the movie as much as I remember just being with her. We "dated" for a couple weeks, it was at the end of the school year so I didn't get to see her much once summer started and she broke up with me. Of course I was devastated. We might have held hands or something but I never got to kiss her. Not until 5th grade, spin the bottle, I thought I was so lucky. I continued the crush through that year and into middle school, but the feelings were never returned from her. She grew into one of the popular girls in school. We drifted apart but stayed friends through middle school. We had a couple classes together, I saw her around in the halls and always wished we'd be together again. I dated other girls in middle school. None of which seemed to compare to her. She stayed little and cute all through middle school and into high school. We had classes together there too, and she always thought of me as the goofy good friend type, but I always secretly wished it was more. We never hung out out side of school after middle school. Maybe once or twice during Senior year to catch up. The last time I had class with her was in 9th grade I think. I started to give up hope after that. I always had a little hope that maybe one day we'd find each other way after high school, get that cup of coffee and catch up, and she wouldn't be too popular for me, or too out of my league at that point. We'd be adults and that kind of stuff wouldn't matter. But I let it go Senior year when I found my first serious girlfriend. By serious I mean that last longer than a month or two. I saw the childhood crush last year when she came to visit from New York, which is where she currently lives. I got to spend a couple hours with her and her family and it was really nice to see that she was doing well. She's practically engaged right now and I'm really happy for her. She was always a sweetheart to me and I will remember her for the rest of my life.

The First

I met her through friends during my summer before Senior year. She was small, short blonde hair, and glasses. I thought she was so cute. We had hung out for a week or something straight and I asked her to date me and she said yes. That lasted a weekend. She said we rushed into things, which I can understand now, but at the time I thought we should just date. Well it didn't happen. She ended up liking another guy a couple weeks later and I was so jealous. He was actually one of my good friends so it caused some drama. We stayed in contact for a couple months and over winter break I started talking to another girl. A girl I knew I had no chance with, she thought of me as the friend type, but The First didn't know that. She thought that I was going to end up dating the other girl and for some reason this bothered her. I made it seem like I was moving on so she had to figure out what was going on and quickly. She did. While she was on a family vacation I guess it hit her that she didn't want to lose me so when she came back she made it obvious she wanted to be with me. I made her sweat it out for a week, and then we started dating on January 12th, 2004. Weird that I still remember the date, but I think its cause I got her a one year anniversary thing with the date on it. I'm usually pretty good with remembering dates, plus, we spent the next 3 years together, on and off during the last one. I lost my virginity to her a few months after we started dating. I was 17. It was kind of embarrassing seeing as my brother lost his before me and he is almost 3 years younger than me. But I was just glad it finally happened. I probably didn't treat her as good as I should've. It started out with me having way more feelings for her than she did for me, but over time it was reversed. I don't really know why but it faded for me. Probably because as time went by, being as young as I was, I knew that I wasn't ready to settle down with one person just yet. I was curious to see what else was out there. She stuck by me, through a couple tours, a month of me living in New Jersey to record one of my bands CDs, and me being not the best boyfriend. I ended it after 3 years while I was on tour. I remember being in Brockton, MA the day I did it. I did it over the phone with her outside of the venue we were playing, The Tiger's Den or Lion's Den, something like that. Anyway, she cried and I did too, but I had to do it. I couldn't keep myself in it any longer. I needed something new, and I found it, less than a month later.

The One

If any of you read my first post, the introduction one, then you already know the summary of this story. But now you'll know the details and how it all went down. The "mistake" that I so vaguely mentioned that ended my engagement to the love of my life. I had met her during the on and off period of The First. We hung out for a week, and I started to have feelings for her, but as soon as I was about to say something, she went back to her shitty ex boyfriend of a year. A couple weeks later I went back to The First as well. Me and The One just had a falling out and didn't speak for a few months. It wasn't till that tour that I spoke to her again. A couple days after me and The First broke up, I got a random text from a number I didn't recognize. We started talking again, she apologized for how everything went down. She was now single, but kinda at the end of seeing a different guy. We began talking everyday, slowly it started turning into flirting, and before I came home, it had gotten to the point where she and a friend decided to drive up to Tampa to see our last 2 shows of the tour. We got a hotel room in Orlando and began dating a day later. It all happened really fast. It was really intense. We spent the next few weeks together and then out of no where, with in the span of 2 days, she broke up with me. Her first reason was that she just wasn't ready for all of this, but I soon found out that she still had feelings for the last guy she was with. I stuck around, and she kept coming back. We'd hang out and hook up, but it took a couple months before she was with me again. During that time period she started seeing someone else, and I did my thing too. But we always came back to each other. We never really made things official again till it was too late. You see, to her, we were together, it wasn't like a question. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. To me, I was always afraid she was going to drop me in a second again. So in the time period of unofficial togetherness which was actually pretty much official, I met another girl. The Cause. We talked a lot and I thought she was great. I should've been happy with what I already had, but at the time I was scared. I wanted something more solid, something I didn't have to worry about hurting me. I made the mistake of kissing the other girl. Being the idiot I was, I didn't drop it after that either. I kept it going for a couple weeks. I ended up making a decision to bring The One on tour with my band because her parents were moving across the state and I didn't wanna lose her. So she headed out with us. At this point I finally realized I was fucking up. Big time. I had to stop talking to The Cause. I tried to fade it out as much as I could. During the tour I ended up realizing how in love with The One I was, and I could finally tell she wasn't going anywhere. It felt like she loved me just as much as I loved her. I proposed. She said yes. There was no ring, it was a spur of the moment thing. I didn't plan it, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She felt the same. I made the mistake of staying in contact with The Cause. She was a great girl and I don't know why but I wanted her in my life. I really cared about her. But I knew that The One was the girl for me. Things were good for a while. It was a really long tour so as time went on, being with each other every second of everyday took its tool. We fought every once in a while, but would make up and everything would be fine. Things were good. Until Ohio. I'll never forget the look she gave me when I came out of the shower to her with my phone in her hand. She had seen a text messages between me and The Cause. They didn't say anything terrible, I think it was just the fact that I had promised not to talk to her anymore and kept doing it. We argued about it, she slapped me, and broke my phone into 2 pieces. She booked a flight home the next day. We both cried our eyes out at the airport saying goodbye. It was the hardest goodbye of my life. I didn't know if she'd ever forgive me. She got on the plane and was off to Florida. Within a week of being home, she was introduced to a tattoo artist who was a terrible guy for her, but she pursued it anyway. I ended up coming home from tour early also because I had some health problems up at Niagara Falls. I passed out and my blood pressure dropped really low. My heart rate slowed in the 30s and I had no idea why. I refused the hospital because I didn't have health insurance. I flew home a couple days later. When I got home I made the drive to see her in Naples where she was living with her parents. It was much different. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I could tell that she was thinking about him. She ended up moving back over and living with friends. One night at one of our mutual friends houses, we had a moment and kissed. I felt like things were going to be ok after that. They slowly started to get better, and she started to forgive me. Once the tattoo guy was out of the picture it was just me and her again. Everything was looking up and it stayed that way for a couple months. She lived with me for a few weeks, but we got in a fight one night, over something really stupid, and she left. That was the last time we'd ever be anything more than friends. She started talking to another guy a couple days later, and before I could do anything to get her back, she was with him. I lost her again. This time for good. It was a roller coaster of a year. I still blame myself to this day for being such a guy. Having my cake and eating it too. I think that's the saying. I had the best thing to ever happen to me and I blew it because I doubted how she felt about me. It took me 2 years to get completely over her. We have been close and hated each other since then. Right now we aren't speaking again. I will always love her and care about her, we just drive each other insane sometimes. I don't know if we will ever be close again, but I do know that she will always be The One that got away.

The Cause

I figured since she was a big part of the collapse of my engagement that I might as well say something about her. I met her through a friend when she came into the Lucky Brand Jeans store that I was working at. She was short, long blonde hair, and just fit perfectly into this petite little body that was so good. I have a thing for short girls if you couldn't tell. Anyways, we talked because I was supposed to give her one of those Live in Love bracelets that you found in Lucky jeans. We hung out a couple times and it was never anything serious. I screwed one of my good friends over with her though. He had a huge thing for her and they hooked up, but then she realized she wasn't into him and I kinda got jealous of him. It was weird, because I was seeing The One, but I was curious about the girl. We hung out again and I just felt the urge to kiss her and I did, while we were sitting on a bench talking, mid sentence. It was like one of those kisses that you see in the movies where the girl is talking and the guy interrupts her by just laying one on her. She said it was her best first kiss ever. I felt guilty but at the same time, I thought The One was going to leave me anyway. I was an idiot. Don't get me wrong, if The Cause had come along at any other time, I would've been all over that. But she didn't. She came right at the worst time and I was too weak to stop myself from ruining the best part of my life. But I am thankful for The Cause. She changed who I am as a person. Before she came along, I was just one of the normal guys in this world. In other words, I was a complete asshole. I only cared about myself, getting what I wanted, I didn't care about who I hurt, I was a guy and that gave me the right to treat girls like shit and have an excuse for it. Right? No. I look back at who I was back then and I am disgusted with myself. It took me losing the love of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me, for me to realize how much of a dick I was. I know that I will never make the same mistakes that I made before again for the rest of my life. I have become someone who I am happy with. A much more positive and respectful person. I look at other guys and think to myself that I am glad I am not like them. I know what it is to love with your whole heart now, and I will spend the rest of my life searching for that feeling again if I have to. I know I'll find it one day.

The Long Distance Closet Freak

Dating someone who lives 6 hours away is always tough, but its even tougher when the person you are trying to date is known for playing dudes. I was warned by all my close friends that lived in her town that she was bad news. I didn't listen. She wasn't slutty or anything. In fact she was the complete opposite. She even called herself a prude. But she was definitely a tease. She loved games. She knew she was hot and she knew how to get what she wanted. And I guess for a couple weeks, it was me. She told me it was different with me. That she wanted to make it work and that she didn't want to mess it up. I believed her. We kissed the first time we hung out after watching a movie on one of my friends couches. It was a weird weekend because I had actually gone up there to hang out with her best friend, who I thought I was interested in, but after hanging out with The Long Distance Closet Freak, I knew I wasn't. We felt guilty about it and told her friend who at first seemed like she was upset about it, but got over it in a day. So we kept talking and I came up again a couple weeks later. We started dating and it was good. No problems and it seemed like everything was going to work out. I actually made a surprise visit to see her one weekend and when I got there she ran up to me and literally jumped on me kissing me and hugging me. She was another tiny girl. Oh those small ones, how I love them. She seemed to be really happy I was there. That night went really well. The next day I got tattooed while she did her thing. Hung out with our friends. But at the end of the night I could tell something was getting weird. She seemed more distant. The next day I dropped her off at a friends and said goodbye. It was an awkward goodbye, and I knew that it was going to end soon after that. And it did. An hour later. She said she wasn't ready for it. That was a lie. She missed her ex boyfriend. I was bummed but it happens. I thought that maybe it was just a phase, kinda like it was with The One, but it wasn't. I went back up the next weekend and hung out with her and it was really difficult for both of us. She cried and I tried not to but she could tell I was upset. But nothing changed. We stayed friends for a while and then had a falling out. She was a good girl, she just never knew what she wanted.

The Art School High School Crush

Confusing name for this girl, but I can explain. I met her in high school. She actually dated one of my best friends at the time, but he wasn't exactly a good boyfriend to her. I always knew that I could do better, but it was never talked about. Me and her were really close but she loved him and I just wanted her to be happy. We didn't talk much after I graduated. She was a couple years younger than me. They dated for a few years, but broke up for whatever reason. Probably cause he took her for granted. Anyways, she ended up moving to Georgia to go to SCAD. Thats a college for art and design for those who don't know. Hence the Art School part of the name. Get it now? Anyways, she only stayed there for a couple years, and transfered to an art school in Sarasota, FL. She came home Thanksgiving weekend and I actually saw her on Thanksgiving randomly. We just sat and talked for hours. We caught up on everything that happened the past couple years, and reminisced about high school. I confessed about how I had the biggest crush on her back then and she told me how she always wished she had met me first, before she dated him. It was weird to hear because I always thought she was too good for me. I think a lot of girls are too good for me. Not that they are too good, just that I'd never have a chance with them. But I guess I don't give myself enough credit. We hung out the next day. I think I helped her put up her christmas tree. I ended up going out with her that night and we spent the night at her sisters. We kissed and things just slowly fell into place. We spent the rest of the weekend together and started dating the next weekend when I went up to see her in college. We dated through the New Year and broke up toward the end of Winter Break. I blamed it on her drinking, but it wasn't that. She never got drunk, she just drank, a lot. It made me uncomfortable, but I think it was just an excuse to get out. The distance was too much and I just didn't feel the same way I used to about her. In high school she was that hot girl that was out of my league, but after I got her, she lost that edge to me. She was an amazing girlfriend to me. I just didn't feel it anymore. It was nice to know what it would've been like though.

The Chonga Firecracker

Short, Brazilian, bitchy, and spontaneous. She had me wrapped around her finger right from the start. She knew exactly how to get what she wanted. I took her on a date on Tuesday, by Thursday, we were on the way to Tallahassee together. By Friday we were sleeping together, a week later we were dating, a week later we were broken up. If it had ended then, it probably would've been better for everyone, but the rollercoaster went on for months. Back and forth between me and an ex boyfriend of hers. I knew it was unhealthy for me, but just like some people can't quit smoking, I couldn't get off the ride. We would fight, she'd be gone for a couple days, but she'd come back and we'd be together again. We never dated officially again, even though it felt like we were. She would be with me and then she'd find another guy and dump me off to the side. It sucked, but I didn't go anywhere. Finally, after a couple months of it, I found a reason to stop.

The One That Was Out Of My League

Its kind of a joke how we met. Myspace. I know, pretty pathetic. I just added her thinking she was one of those myspace celebrities. Her picture was beautiful. She had the perfect face, not one flaw. She was one of the myspace celebrities so I just ignored it and went on. A couple days later she posted a bulletin about something and I was bored so I messaged her back replying to the bulletin. To my surprise she answered back. We traded a couple messages and that was that. A few days later, after being frustrated about The Chonga Firecracker, I decided to message her back and just go for it. I don't know what I said, I was just honest, but whatever it was, it worked, She gave me her number and told me to text her. I did the next day and we began talking. Just getting to know each other at first. It was surprising how easily we held conversation. I always assumed that she was way out of my league. She was also going through a break up at the time so I was happy just being friends with her. I have a lot of girl friends so why not one more. Well as time went on, I started to want more. It was hard cause I knew she didn't want a relationship but I found myself falling for this girl. I took her out to dinner one night and we went to the beach after and just talked for hours. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I tried my hardest not to seem like a dork, but it probably didn't work. Either way, she still found me attractive. I was shocked. I wasn't the normal kind of guys she usually went for. She was more into the sceneish guys with the long hair and tight pants. I'm obviously not that. But for whatever reason, she didn't mind that I was different. At least not yet. After I realized that dating this girl was actually possible, I gave it everything I had. Everyday I was more surprised at how wrong I was at the beginning. I guess I don't give myself enough credit. We spent the next couple months together. Not officially, but we were together. I wanted the title so I'd push for it every once in a while, but she was always hesitant. It didn't make sense to me because we were already a couple. We did everything couples do. We were exclusive. I didn't see any reason we shouldn't be together. So after a while, it really started to bother me. It got to the point where one night we sat in the car for a couple hours trying to figure it out. I told her that I couldn't keep putting myself in the situation because it was hurting me too much. I was falling in love with this girl and I needed to know if it was the same for her. She didn't know. So I pushed her away. It ended up being a mistake. A week later she met a guy, who fit her type, and started talking to him. I tried to save it, and did ok for a little, probably only due to the fact that he lived 3 hours away. But I lost her to him after a few weeks. I gave up and just did my thing after that. We kept in touch but it wasn't the same. They dated for a month or so, and I was always there for her as her friend. We got comfortable that way. Right before I left for tour in Japan/Australia, we hung out a couple times after not seeing each other for almost a month. I had put it off because I needed time to get over her. As we hung out the feelings came back, for both of us. Her and her boyfriend were having problems, and I guess the comfort of me being there made her feel something for me again. We talked about the what ifs, and it seemed to me that we were going to end up together when I got back. Things didn't work out that way. The distance was too much, along with her busy college schedule. We hardly talked while I was gone and when I came back it was too late. We had lunch together and tried to save it, but it never left the ground again. It was pretty hard at first. We fought a lot. But we both went through some hard times and realized how much we meant to each other. We don't look at each other the same way we used to now. We are more like family. I care about her like she's a little sister, and she can come to me with anything and know that I will always be there for her. I know that she will be one of the people that stays in my life for a very long time.

The Blonde Bombshell Party Girl

Not too long after The One That Was Out Of My League, I was reunited with an ex from about a year ago. This was just a girl that I had a thing with for a week or so and it faded for a few reasons. One being she was too young. I thought over time, maybe she had grown up. I was way wrong. The only thing she grew into was a party animal. This girl is really attractive. She looks like a model. Super long legs, the perfect body, and a gorgeous face. But she has always been too immature. Very materialistic. Anyway, after not speaking for a year, we were brought together because of a friends birthday. I ended up picking her up from the Hard Rock Casino, she was drunk after partying at one of the clubs there. She started bringing up all this stuff about the past, and saying how much she missed me and liked me. She was drunk so I tried not to take any of it to heart. She started kissing on me and I felt uncomfortable but I didn't want to ruin things thinking maybe she'd still feel the same when she wasn't drunk. She did. For a day. Then it was back to the same old shit. We hardly talked. I tried, but it just didn't happen. So I gave it up again. I wouldn't have even written about this, its just that it was pretty recent so I guess its still fresh in my head. I'm over it, and it will just be a memory very soon. Thanks to someone who just came into my life when I had given up all hope.

I have grown up a lot in the past few years. A lot of that having to do with what I have been through involving relationships. I have learned a lot about myself and about the female species. All of which I will use to find the best possible partner for myself. I know that one day I will find someone that I get to give my heart to and not have to worry about it getting broken. I'm fragile. As much as I try to play it off like I'm unbreakable, I'm just as vulnerable as anyone else. I just want to be loved and love with all I have, to find someone I can grow old with. The day I can do that, will be the happiest day of my life.

Stop This Train

I haven't updated in a while. I try not to thinking that if I hold off, I'll have more to write about. But I really don't. Life has been boring and predictable lately. I have met a few new people who have kept me entertained, but for the most part, my days are spent at home, not having anything to do.

This past weekend I got out a little. I went to a friends birthday dinner on Friday night. It was pretty fun. We ate at Benihana's. It was a little out of my budget seeing as I have been out of work since I got back from tour. So I just got a small roll of sushi that I didn't even finish. Me eating sushi, I know, its weird. After that we hit up some white trash bar in Coral Springs. It was entertaining watching people dance, especially the old bald guy who was going nuts. I think he thought it was still the early 90s and the Vanilla Ice moves were hip, he was wrong. We went to Jesse's for a little after that, then I went down to Hard Rock to pick up Taylor. I haven't talked to her in probably a year, but we finally talked and solved everything and it was nice to spend time with her again. We hung out for a couple hours before I dropped her off at home. I got home around 5 and went to bed.

The next day was the Miami game against Oklahoma. We went down way too early for me, because everyone wanted to tailgate and get drunk. Obviously not my thing. I sat in a chair for 3 hours hating my phone for not working and just counting down the minutes till kick off. I ate half of a 6 inch sub and drank a coca-cola classic while everyone else was downing beer through funnels and what not. We finally made it into the game. I haven't been to a game since early last season so it was nice to be back. The game started off kinda rough, we turned the ball over twice falling behind 10-0. We came back and scored on a pass to our tight end Jimmy Graham who used to play for the basketball team. Weird. He dropped some passes last week so it was good to finally see him catch one. We went in to halftime down 3. The Miami band is still not very good. They played Michael Jackson songs, but you couldn't really hear them. The second half started and our cornerback Brandon Harris quickly caused a turn over when he hit their quaterback causing him to fumble. We took the lead a play later on a pass to Epps. We scored again later on when Jacory Harris connected with Travis Benjamin on long pass. Miami didn't score again. Oklahoma came back and made it a close game, but thanks to Javarris James running for 150 yards, Miami held on for a 21-20 win.

Tradition

After the game, everyone was going nuts. Miami hasn't been this good in years so its nice to see some excitement in the team again. They are ranked number 11 again. Sorry for all the sports talk, I had to make my dad happy cause he reads this thing too.

Sunday I went out for my Grandma's 79th birthday. I think thats how old she said she was. We went to Bahama Breeze which is like a Caribbean Grill. I had some fancy wood-grilled pork covered in cheese and spinach with garlic mashed potatoes and broccoli. It was pretty good. I also had some fruit salad thing that was awesome.

Monday was a boring day. Just hung out at home watching tv. Gossip Girl. Tuesday I had a job interview in Miami for Red Bull again. They told me they didn't have a job for me at the time but that something might open up soon. I wasn't gonna wait around. So yesterday I went for a job interview at another company where I used to work and got a job there again. Working with some friends again so that'll be fun.

Tuesday I went to the American Me show in Lake Worth. They were good. All the other bands weren't. Hung out with those guys, Mean Pete, John Warden, and Cassie for a while. I also went to the show in Miami last night with JW and Josie. We got there just in time to catch American Me and they only played 4 songs before the show got shut down by the fire marshall. I guess there was some drama before they played and someone called the cops and the cops shut the show down. No word on whats gonna happen with the venue yet. The guys in the band came back here to shower and swim in my pool for a little. They left pretty early this morning to make it up to Tampa for their show tonight. They are awesome dudes so if you haven't checked them out you should do so.

Other than that, lately the only major thing I've been doing is working on this benefit show for Outlet Through Noise. I got involved with them through Mean Krystin. She said something about coming to Florida, I was curious as to why and where she was gonna be, so I hit her up, she explained everything about the charity and I offered to see if Bishop would play. We jumped on the show but had to drop off a couple days later due to prior engagements. But in the meantime I started talking to a couple people from the charity and was really interested in what they are doing. They have some amazing people involved in it and I wanted to help as much as I could. So after Bishop dropped, I offered to try and book something down in South Florida for the same weekend. November 6th is the date I'm working on. I have the Talent Farm booked. Finalizing the bands now. I will post all the information as soon as its concrete. I'm really proud that I can help with such a good cause. I respect all of the people involved with the charity immensely. I also found some good friends through it also. I have been talking to Lauren everyday and she is awesome. Her and Krystin have some of the most entertaining stories I have ever heard. My life is in no way as crazy as theirs are. They are both amazing people also. I hope I get to see them both really soon.

I've been really stressed lately about money and finding a job. I also felt like I was losing one of the most important people in my life. But slowly everything has been getting better. I found a job that I start next week. So I will finally have a steady paycheck again. I also worked everything out with the person I thought I was losing and thats good again too. So I'm slowly starting to feel better about everything. I have a show Saturday with My Complex Island at Solid Sound. It's gonna be weird. We have practiced once since I've been back. It was good but the band seems to be falling apart. Everyone has their own thing going on. I guess time will tell what happens. Now that I took this job though, the ability to tour isn't really gonna be there, so I feel like I'm finally gonna have to grow up and get settled as an adult. Sucks but thats life. Not everyone can be a rockstar.

I guess this is growing up.

Anywhere But Here

I feel like ranting. I don't even know about what. I just feel like sitting here in bed all day, not working, watching movies, and texting of course, are not very productive things to do with my life. I hate the fact that I'm not working because obviously not working means I'm not making money, which means I can't do the things I want to do. Right now I'm still doing ok surviving off the money we made on tour, but sooner or later thats gonna run out. I'm scheduled to go in to Red Bull next Tuesday, hopefully that means I'll be working by Wednesday, but who knows right now. Yeah, I decided to stick with Red Bull and not take the new job. I still want to tour. I love it. It's my life. I love meeting new people and experiencing things that not many people get to. Even though right now neither of my bands is touring. Its kind of annoying. I feel like we have potential, but theres no motivation. Everyone is doing there own thing. Other bands, girlfriends, work, and school. I mean of course I understand that music is not really a way to make a living, but I'm still young. At least I like to think I am. I'm not ready to just become that 9-5 guy who comes home hating his life every single day. I hope we get back on track and start doing shit again. Or that I find another band that is willing to.

My back hurts. I hate laying in bed all day but there is nothing to do. I don't even know where everyone is. Why does it feel like I'm the only one with nothing going on right now? It also sucks that I have seen every movie on the planet. At least everyone that I thought was worth seeing. I hate watching TV, even U-Verse has run out of things to keep me entertained. I keep searching the movies on demand to see if there is anything new, but there isn't. I probably sound like such a lazy person. I'm really not. I just have nothing to do. I haven't had anything to do since I got home. I did go out to eat with John Warden and Cassie yesterday. We went to see Audra, Dan, Baby Luca, and the puppies after. We stayed there pretty much the rest of the night which was perfectly fine with me because I wasn't at home alone in bed like I am now. We watched Kimbo Slice not do anything in his fight. We watched videos on YouTube and of course we played with the dogs.

It was kind of sad being there. I was still alone. They all had their significant other, I had nothing. I wanted someone who I could be cute with, that I could play fight with or cuddle with on the couch while we watched TV. I've gotten passed the point of searching, I did that for way too long. There was no point. No matter what I found, or how real it seemed, I was alone at the end. What I would give to go back two years. I would've done it all different. Maybe I'd still be alone right now, but at least it wouldn't have been my fault. I fucked it up. I have to live with that everyday. I know one day I'll find that feeling again. I just have no idea when.

Oh Copeland, how I love you. I could listen to this band all day. Its so relaxing. I wish there were more bands like this. Number One Fan broke up, Mae was more upbeat and their newest CD didn't do anything for me. The Get Up Kids got too folky for me towards the end. If you know of anyone that is like them, please tell me. I'm a sucker for that slow piano rock. I know it wouldn't seem like it if you were judging by the bands I play in, but take my word for it. I'm not at all what you would think. I like Chick flicks, cry baby bands, and Gossip Girl. I guess I'm kinda a hopeless romantic. That dude in the movies thats too nice for his own good, but instead of getting the girl at the end, I get dumped. If only life was like the movies. I'd be such a ladies man.

Why don't I just start a band like this? I need to learn to play guitar, and piano. Then I'd be set. I can't sing for shit, well at least I think I can't. The few people that have heard me actually sing, like seriously and not just messing around being annoying, have said its pretty good. I could probably pass for one of those Bright Eyes bands. I hate Bright Eyes. But that dude can't sing and if he can do it, maybe I can too? Someone give me guitar/piano lessons? Maybe if I do that band I can stop meeting all these scene girls and get one of those little emo chicks that the dude from Copeland writes all the songs about. That'd be a nice change. I want a cute girl, not one that tries to be one of the guys. You know what I'm talking about, those girls that try to be tough cause they think its cool. Its not. I don't wanna have to worry about my girlfriend trying to kick my ass. Or the girls that do the band guy thing, thats not attractive either. Have some self-respect. That guy that you think is the real deal, that you've met once and spent one weekend with, is going to cheat on you, or your relationship will last a week after he leaves and you'll feel stupid. Not trying to be a dick, but come on, do you really think thats love? Video chatting with someone and thinking you know them is retarded. I guess I'm stupid too though, I should probably get the idea that Allie Hamilton is real out of my head. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who loves me that much, but it'd be the best thing ever if I did.

This bed is getting more uncomfortable by the minute. I need to try and find something to do tonight, that doesn't involve spending money. Ready.....BREAK!

Brand New Eyes

Now that I'm home from traveling the world, I'm going to have to find things to write about. I knew I was going to run into this problem when I created this thing, so bare with me. I guess I'll just tell you whats been going on lately.

Where to start? I got home from Australia, and within 24 hours, I was back on a plane. I was off to Atlanta, GA this time. I planned to spend the weekend with my old roommate who I haven't seen in over a year. Well, it didn't really work out that way. Her car broke down and she had no way to get me from the airport. She lives in Chattanooga, TN but it was cheaper to fly into Atlanta so I just did that. Luckily I have a friend that I went to high school with that is going to law school there so I just stayed with her all weekend. We ate at some delicious breakfast places and I spent most of my time in bed trying to catch up on sleep. The adjustment from Australia is way harder on the way back. I was sleeping at 10am till 5pm. Staying up all night just to fall asleep at 6am. It was the worst. But I did have an amazing Australian girl to keep me company.

So the Atlanta trip was a bust to say the least. I did see Love Happens while I was there which was a really good movie. Very depressing, but I'm weird and seem to like those kinds of stories. Other than that, nothing really happened. I came back to Florida on Sunday night and went straight to bed for once. It was weird. I thought I was going to be able to get back on schedule after that, but I was wrong. More of the same the next day. Staying up all night. That lasted all week. Luckily I didn't have to go back to work yet. I would've been dead. I'm still waiting on work now. My boss has been in California for over a week but apparently he will be back tomorrow. I had another job opportunity that was really good, but the ability to tour freely isn't there and I don't think I'm ready to just give up such a big part of my life like that yet. So we will see what happens. I should be going back to work within the next couple days. I feel like I'm finally back on schedule with the sleep pattern too so that should work out well.

Last week was mostly spent in bed, I didn't really get up to do anything because I was either too tired or just didn't have much to do. I ventured out to hang out with a couple friends one night at like 3am. But nothing really happened. I think it was Thursday that I actually had a life again. I went out to lunch with my friend Ryann to Tiajuana Flats. My tiny friend Cori was on her lunch break and just happened to be going there as well so the 3 of us enjoyed the awesome mexican food that that place has to offer. After that I came back home to a little person sleeping in my bed. She's very cute when she sleeps. I went to dinner with her and my family at Bru's Room in Coral Springs. Our waitress was English and had an awesome accent. She was also gorgeous. I think I have a thing for beautiful girls with foreign accents now. I had band practice with My Complex Island for the first time in over a month after that and it was a lot of fun. It felt good to play drums after a week of not doing that, and it was amazing that we didn't really skip a beat. We sounded like we didn't even stop playing for a month. So that was a relief.

Friday was interesting. I was planning on going to a show in Miami. I picked up my friend Nicole from boca, drove all the way down there, paid to get into the show, called my friend whose band I went to see, only to find out that they had dropped off the show 10 minutes earlier. I didn't get my money back. Me and Nicole headed up to The Talent Farm to catch Forty Winters and see a couple friends. It was good seeing people I haven't seen since before I left. I drove Nicole back to Miami and made the 45 minute drive back home. I met up with some friends and just hung out for a little before I headed home and went to sleep.

Saturday I woke up and had breakfast with Mike C, Mean Pete, and John Warden. We ate at this place in Boca called First Watch that was recommended by Audra. It was pretty good. Sounded like a health clinic by the name, but the food was alright. I might go back sometime. After that we stopped over at Duffy's for a few minutes. Then I headed to Ale House in Fort Lauderdale to watch the Miami Hurricanes game with my dad, brother, cousin, and Josiah. We lost. Not much to say about that. It was embarrassing after all the hype we were getting, but I knew it was too soon to be saying everything that the media was. In the first 2 weeks we just faced 2 teams that sucked. Sorry, but FSU is terrible this year, and GT isn't much better. We were just the better team on those days. I think that Miami is getting there, maybe we will play for the ACC championship this year, but National Championship hopes should be held off another year or 2.

After the game, I went bowling with some people for John Warden's birthday. He pretty much claimed the whole weekend as his birthday. I was going to go home and go to sleep after that but as soon as I got in bed I got a call from my friend Michelle asking me to come night swim. I couldn't pass up the opportunity seeing as I haven't seen her in months. So I did that for a little. She dropped her phone in the pool. And that was how the night ended.

Sunday I had family over. My 2 little brothers made an appearance. I taught them some stuff on the drums. They are 3 and 5. So you can just imagine how interesting that was. I went to John Warden's birthday dinner at La Bamba and then rushed over to Talent Farm to see New City Lions. I came home after that and just went to bed.

Tonight I think I'm going to Duffy's in Boca to watch the Dallas Cowboys game with a few friends. I'll probably be the only one watching the game seeing as hardly any of my friends like sports. Oh well. I've been following them all since I was a kid. I played basketball for all my elementary, middle, and some of my high school years. I also played a little baseball when I was way younger but I didn't like it as much. I hated getting hit by the ball. I think after I got hit right in the groin one time I called it quits. I knew that I could not risk damaging the goods seeing as I would need them later on in life. Very smart decision if you ask me.

Well thats really all thats been going on lately. I've met some new people since I got home and I'm really happy about that. I want to make more friends. Its just hard sometimes because some people take things the wrong way. Talking to a girl automatically means you are trying to sleep with them. Although that may be the case a lot of the time, its not with me. I really am just trying to branch out and meet new people. The male species has ruined the ability to gain a girls trust. There are so many dickheads out there that just wanna get laid and screw girls over so it makes us genuine guys look bad before we even begin talking. I'll admit when I was younger, I made some mistakes. I haven't always thought the way I do now, but it takes losing the best thing that ever happened to you to wake up and grow up. I did. So I look at life a completely different way now.

I wish that people took more time to get to know someone before they judged them. I hate being written off because I'm a guy. Well I should say, a man. Apparently girls these days like guys that look like girls. I don't have stupid hair, I don't wear pants that suffocate my balls, I don't wear t-shirts that were made for babies, and I don't have a bunch of stupid piercings in my face. That automatically makes me not worth the time I guess. Even when I'm just trying to be nice and get to know someone with absolutely no intention of anything. Right now I'm stuck. My heart and mind want 2 different things. I wish I was able to say that I'm ready to meet someone new and see what could happen, but I don't think I'm fully there yet. I've been in the same position for almost 6 months now and it really sucks. I care about someone a lot, but I know that she will never look at me the way I look at her. We have been back and forth for a long time, but to her, its just not enough to take the chance. I have done everything possible to try and get her to see it, but I guess its never going to be enough. I know that I need to move on, its just hard when you've invested so much into one person. But its gone on long enough.

I think I've wasted enough of your time for today. I don't know when I'll update again. Maybe I'll make a post with some pictures from my travels or just pictures in general. I don't know. I guess we'll see in time.

Australia

Well apparently this update has been much anticipated. I've been asked all week when I was going to write about Australia and I finally found the time to sit, rather lay, and write it. So here it is, Australia.

xBishopx Street (I swear we didn't do this ourselves)

Our first day in Australia was September 8th. Of course, when flying with Jetstar, our flights were messed up. Our original flight to Gold Coast was cancelled and we had to fly into Cairnes and then to Sydney. Once in Sydney we met up with Blood Sport which was the band we would be spending our tour in Australia with. We were also accompanied by Shay and Ollie, who were our driver and tour guide. 11 dudes in a van for a 8 days. It was going to be interesting. We left the airport and hit Newtown. Apparently vegan food is hard to find in Australia. There were some record stores which of course we had to stop at, burger places, pizza joints, and a few asian places. We ate Burger Fuel which was really good but a little over priced. We soon found that everything in Australia is over priced. Water bottles ended up being about 2 dollars in U.S. dollars. I have to admit though, Australia has some of the coolest looking money I've seen. Its all colorful and even has little parts of it that are see-through. After Newtown we made our first long drive to Brisbane. It took us like 12 hours or something. I tried to sleep but sleeping in the van was a mission and it took all of us a couple days to get a floor plan set up that had everyone with their own sleeping spot. We got to Brisbane pretty early in the morning after driving over night. We had beds set up for us thanks to Sam from Time Has Come. It was nice to sleep for a few hours.

The Famous Van

Blood Sport

Shay (The Driver)

Ollie (The Tour Guide)

We headed to our first show after that which was an hour away. It was one of the best shows of the tour. We played with some big band from Australia so a lot of people were at the show. We went back to Sam's after that and stayed there. The next day we went to the Koala Zoo in Brisbane. It was probably the highlight of our trip. A lot of famous people have been to that place and their pictures are up all over the walls in the gift shop. We got in for free because we were a band from America and they took our pictures with the Koalas and are putting them up on the wall too. We got to walk around a huge open field with Kangaroos just hanging out that you could feed and pet. We took pictures with those too. After that we went to our next show which was at a Club. It was weird because the club was split into 2 areas. On one side there was some kid blasting some of the worst mosh metal I've ever heard. I'm sure there were like 10 Emmure songs played, probably some Devil Wears Prada, pure garbage. Every once in a while he would throw in some good stuff, but it was torture nonetheless. On the other side of the wall they were playing dance music. It was funny because inbetween the bands playing you could hear the other music playing. After the show a bunch of people went next door to dance and it was pretty entertaining.

Koala saying hi

My Kangaroo Friend

Just hangin' with our mates

Koala kisses

Koala eating

Bishop loves Koalas

After that show we made another long drive back to Sydney. More Newtown the next day. This time we ventured to a place called Burgerlicious. It was so good. Definitely my favorite food spot in Sydney. I believe that was the day we played 2 shows in one day. Australia has a lot of laws when it comes to shows. They either have to be All ages with no alcohol being served, over 18 only, or under 18 only. So we played one all ages and then one 18 and over at a club down the street. The first one was at a pub-ish kind of place but it had a big theater in the room next to the pub that we played in. The best part about it was that there was a kitchen in the back of the venue that made these huge steaks. Levi from Blood Sport treated me to one and it was delicious. Probably the best non fast food meal I had all of tour. After that show we drove down the street to play at another interesting venue. Three stories, on the middle floor is where we played, on the bottom floor they played some weird dance metal goth I dont even know. The people that were walking down there were interesting to say the least. I dont know what was on the top floor but Im sure it was more of the same weirdness.

Bishop @ Snitch Nightclub, Brisbane, Australia

We drove to Melbourne after that show, another long over nighter. We made it into the city with just enough time to stop at Lord of the Fries which was a vegan burger place. They had a bunch of good stuff there. Burgers, Fake Chicken Nuggets, Fries, all which had special sauces that you could choose from that were amazing. I got a burger and fries with the BBQ sauce. But I tried some of everyone elses stuff which was good too. We drove to the show which was in Mt. Eliza. At least thats what I think it was called. I shaved my head and monster beard off in the dressing room of the Venue with some help from Knotty from Blood Sport. When I was all done and cleaned up I came into the front room of the huge hall that we were playing at and my jaw hit the floor. There she was, the love of my life, well at least the one for the Australia tour. She was gorgeous. She was small which was cute and she had the most beautiful face I had seen in forever. When she talked my heart melted. Australians have the most amazing accents and when you find an attractive female, which isnt hard because they are all over, it just makes the accent that much more sexy. So anyway after much courtship, I found out her name and got her info and that was it. I didnt get to talk to her, I only had 1 night in that area so there was nothing I could do. We tried to get her to come hang out in the city the next day but she couldn't. So that was the only chance I got to see her. But I have kept in contact with her since then and we are good friends now. Hopefully when we go back there I can make her my wife and bring her back to the states. All jokes aside though, Chloe Woods, whatever Australian guy ends up with you is going to be a very lucky man.

The next day we hit up Lord of the Fries again and a couple stores downtown. Hung out with Holly who was a great tour guide and helped us find all of the places because Ollie was not on his A-game that day. We were supposed to play 2 shows again in that day but the first show was cancelled so we only played the one. It was the last show of the tour and it was fun. We had our final goodbyes to the Blood Sport boys and ate some Mackers as a fairwell dinner. Oh I forgot to mention, Australians have slang words for everything. Mackers is McDonalds, Hungrys is Hungry Jacks which is the name of Burger King over there, Keffers is KFC. They also have words like suss, keen, and heaps which they use all the time. We would make fun of each other for how we talked and said certain words. By the end of the tour, we were all close friends.

Berry Cheesecake

Thats the ocean

Last show of tour

So after that we made another long drive back to Sydney again. We had 2 days there before we flew back to the states. The first day we went to Newtown and ate, and then we went to Luna Park and took some band promos. The next day we went Downtown and to the Opera house and took more band promos. Chucky from Sixlip was kind enough to hook us up with those. We stayed at Dan Misztals house those 2 nights and then we got dropped off at the airport the next morning. Of course, more travel complications, but everything got taken care of. We got on a Delta plane which we all had our own TV screens and got to watch whatever we wanted. I watched 5 movies on the way to L.A. Once in L.A. we dropped off Pete and Dual Dave because they were staying there for a few days and me, Sam, and Derek continued on. We had a 4 hour layover there and then flew to Detroit and then finally got home to Fort Lauderdale that night. It was a 23 hour travel day. Not fun. But Audra and John Warden picked us up from the airport, short one bag of luggage that was left in Detroit and had to be delivered the next day, just to add to the travel problems we had throughout the tour. But all in all it was amazing. I loved Australia and I can't wait to go back. We are planning a world tour within the next couple years and that will definitely be one of the spots we hit. I will be looking forward to it.

Bishop @ The Sydney Opera House

In front of a wall

Luna Park

On a bench

My glamour shot in front of the Sydney Opera House