The Childhood Crush
I met her in Kindergarten. I thought she was God's gift to humanity. At the time, I thought that I would love her for the rest of my life. I hoped we'd get married and have kids and have the perfect life, you know, like they did in the movies. We were reunited again in 4th grade and I started to understand girls a little more than I had back in the coloring in the lines days of Kindergarten. I had a best friend who happened to be a girl, more of a tomboy though, but she helped me out talking to the crush. Thanks to my best friend I found out all the secrets that I wasn't supposed to know. I remember it specifically to this day because at the time, I thought it was the best day of my life. I walked in to class late, took my seat next to the best friend and she told me she had some good news. She had told the crush that I "liked" her and it just so happened that the crush "liked" me too. I had the biggest smile on my face the rest of the day. I got the courage to ask the girl to hang out with me and see a movie. I think we saw The Cable Guy in theaters. I don't remember the movie as much as I remember just being with her. We "dated" for a couple weeks, it was at the end of the school year so I didn't get to see her much once summer started and she broke up with me. Of course I was devastated. We might have held hands or something but I never got to kiss her. Not until 5th grade, spin the bottle, I thought I was so lucky. I continued the crush through that year and into middle school, but the feelings were never returned from her. She grew into one of the popular girls in school. We drifted apart but stayed friends through middle school. We had a couple classes together, I saw her around in the halls and always wished we'd be together again. I dated other girls in middle school. None of which seemed to compare to her. She stayed little and cute all through middle school and into high school. We had classes together there too, and she always thought of me as the goofy good friend type, but I always secretly wished it was more. We never hung out out side of school after middle school. Maybe once or twice during Senior year to catch up. The last time I had class with her was in 9th grade I think. I started to give up hope after that. I always had a little hope that maybe one day we'd find each other way after high school, get that cup of coffee and catch up, and she wouldn't be too popular for me, or too out of my league at that point. We'd be adults and that kind of stuff wouldn't matter. But I let it go Senior year when I found my first serious girlfriend. By serious I mean that last longer than a month or two. I saw the childhood crush last year when she came to visit from New York, which is where she currently lives. I got to spend a couple hours with her and her family and it was really nice to see that she was doing well. She's practically engaged right now and I'm really happy for her. She was always a sweetheart to me and I will remember her for the rest of my life.
The First
I met her through friends during my summer before Senior year. She was small, short blonde hair, and glasses. I thought she was so cute. We had hung out for a week or something straight and I asked her to date me and she said yes. That lasted a weekend. She said we rushed into things, which I can understand now, but at the time I thought we should just date. Well it didn't happen. She ended up liking another guy a couple weeks later and I was so jealous. He was actually one of my good friends so it caused some drama. We stayed in contact for a couple months and over winter break I started talking to another girl. A girl I knew I had no chance with, she thought of me as the friend type, but The First didn't know that. She thought that I was going to end up dating the other girl and for some reason this bothered her. I made it seem like I was moving on so she had to figure out what was going on and quickly. She did. While she was on a family vacation I guess it hit her that she didn't want to lose me so when she came back she made it obvious she wanted to be with me. I made her sweat it out for a week, and then we started dating on January 12th, 2004. Weird that I still remember the date, but I think its cause I got her a one year anniversary thing with the date on it. I'm usually pretty good with remembering dates, plus, we spent the next 3 years together, on and off during the last one. I lost my virginity to her a few months after we started dating. I was 17. It was kind of embarrassing seeing as my brother lost his before me and he is almost 3 years younger than me. But I was just glad it finally happened. I probably didn't treat her as good as I should've. It started out with me having way more feelings for her than she did for me, but over time it was reversed. I don't really know why but it faded for me. Probably because as time went by, being as young as I was, I knew that I wasn't ready to settle down with one person just yet. I was curious to see what else was out there. She stuck by me, through a couple tours, a month of me living in New Jersey to record one of my bands CDs, and me being not the best boyfriend. I ended it after 3 years while I was on tour. I remember being in Brockton, MA the day I did it. I did it over the phone with her outside of the venue we were playing, The Tiger's Den or Lion's Den, something like that. Anyway, she cried and I did too, but I had to do it. I couldn't keep myself in it any longer. I needed something new, and I found it, less than a month later.
The One
If any of you read my first post, the introduction one, then you already know the summary of this story. But now you'll know the details and how it all went down. The "mistake" that I so vaguely mentioned that ended my engagement to the love of my life. I had met her during the on and off period of The First. We hung out for a week, and I started to have feelings for her, but as soon as I was about to say something, she went back to her shitty ex boyfriend of a year. A couple weeks later I went back to The First as well. Me and The One just had a falling out and didn't speak for a few months. It wasn't till that tour that I spoke to her again. A couple days after me and The First broke up, I got a random text from a number I didn't recognize. We started talking again, she apologized for how everything went down. She was now single, but kinda at the end of seeing a different guy. We began talking everyday, slowly it started turning into flirting, and before I came home, it had gotten to the point where she and a friend decided to drive up to Tampa to see our last 2 shows of the tour. We got a hotel room in Orlando and began dating a day later. It all happened really fast. It was really intense. We spent the next few weeks together and then out of no where, with in the span of 2 days, she broke up with me. Her first reason was that she just wasn't ready for all of this, but I soon found out that she still had feelings for the last guy she was with. I stuck around, and she kept coming back. We'd hang out and hook up, but it took a couple months before she was with me again. During that time period she started seeing someone else, and I did my thing too. But we always came back to each other. We never really made things official again till it was too late. You see, to her, we were together, it wasn't like a question. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. To me, I was always afraid she was going to drop me in a second again. So in the time period of unofficial togetherness which was actually pretty much official, I met another girl. The Cause. We talked a lot and I thought she was great. I should've been happy with what I already had, but at the time I was scared. I wanted something more solid, something I didn't have to worry about hurting me. I made the mistake of kissing the other girl. Being the idiot I was, I didn't drop it after that either. I kept it going for a couple weeks. I ended up making a decision to bring The One on tour with my band because her parents were moving across the state and I didn't wanna lose her. So she headed out with us. At this point I finally realized I was fucking up. Big time. I had to stop talking to The Cause. I tried to fade it out as much as I could. During the tour I ended up realizing how in love with The One I was, and I could finally tell she wasn't going anywhere. It felt like she loved me just as much as I loved her. I proposed. She said yes. There was no ring, it was a spur of the moment thing. I didn't plan it, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She felt the same. I made the mistake of staying in contact with The Cause. She was a great girl and I don't know why but I wanted her in my life. I really cared about her. But I knew that The One was the girl for me. Things were good for a while. It was a really long tour so as time went on, being with each other every second of everyday took its tool. We fought every once in a while, but would make up and everything would be fine. Things were good. Until Ohio. I'll never forget the look she gave me when I came out of the shower to her with my phone in her hand. She had seen a text messages between me and The Cause. They didn't say anything terrible, I think it was just the fact that I had promised not to talk to her anymore and kept doing it. We argued about it, she slapped me, and broke my phone into 2 pieces. She booked a flight home the next day. We both cried our eyes out at the airport saying goodbye. It was the hardest goodbye of my life. I didn't know if she'd ever forgive me. She got on the plane and was off to Florida. Within a week of being home, she was introduced to a tattoo artist who was a terrible guy for her, but she pursued it anyway. I ended up coming home from tour early also because I had some health problems up at Niagara Falls. I passed out and my blood pressure dropped really low. My heart rate slowed in the 30s and I had no idea why. I refused the hospital because I didn't have health insurance. I flew home a couple days later. When I got home I made the drive to see her in Naples where she was living with her parents. It was much different. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I could tell that she was thinking about him. She ended up moving back over and living with friends. One night at one of our mutual friends houses, we had a moment and kissed. I felt like things were going to be ok after that. They slowly started to get better, and she started to forgive me. Once the tattoo guy was out of the picture it was just me and her again. Everything was looking up and it stayed that way for a couple months. She lived with me for a few weeks, but we got in a fight one night, over something really stupid, and she left. That was the last time we'd ever be anything more than friends. She started talking to another guy a couple days later, and before I could do anything to get her back, she was with him. I lost her again. This time for good. It was a roller coaster of a year. I still blame myself to this day for being such a guy. Having my cake and eating it too. I think that's the saying. I had the best thing to ever happen to me and I blew it because I doubted how she felt about me. It took me 2 years to get completely over her. We have been close and hated each other since then. Right now we aren't speaking again. I will always love her and care about her, we just drive each other insane sometimes. I don't know if we will ever be close again, but I do know that she will always be The One that got away.
The Cause
I figured since she was a big part of the collapse of my engagement that I might as well say something about her. I met her through a friend when she came into the Lucky Brand Jeans store that I was working at. She was short, long blonde hair, and just fit perfectly into this petite little body that was so good. I have a thing for short girls if you couldn't tell. Anyways, we talked because I was supposed to give her one of those Live in Love bracelets that you found in Lucky jeans. We hung out a couple times and it was never anything serious. I screwed one of my good friends over with her though. He had a huge thing for her and they hooked up, but then she realized she wasn't into him and I kinda got jealous of him. It was weird, because I was seeing The One, but I was curious about the girl. We hung out again and I just felt the urge to kiss her and I did, while we were sitting on a bench talking, mid sentence. It was like one of those kisses that you see in the movies where the girl is talking and the guy interrupts her by just laying one on her. She said it was her best first kiss ever. I felt guilty but at the same time, I thought The One was going to leave me anyway. I was an idiot. Don't get me wrong, if The Cause had come along at any other time, I would've been all over that. But she didn't. She came right at the worst time and I was too weak to stop myself from ruining the best part of my life. But I am thankful for The Cause. She changed who I am as a person. Before she came along, I was just one of the normal guys in this world. In other words, I was a complete asshole. I only cared about myself, getting what I wanted, I didn't care about who I hurt, I was a guy and that gave me the right to treat girls like shit and have an excuse for it. Right? No. I look back at who I was back then and I am disgusted with myself. It took me losing the love of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me, for me to realize how much of a dick I was. I know that I will never make the same mistakes that I made before again for the rest of my life. I have become someone who I am happy with. A much more positive and respectful person. I look at other guys and think to myself that I am glad I am not like them. I know what it is to love with your whole heart now, and I will spend the rest of my life searching for that feeling again if I have to. I know I'll find it one day.
The Long Distance Closet Freak
Dating someone who lives 6 hours away is always tough, but its even tougher when the person you are trying to date is known for playing dudes. I was warned by all my close friends that lived in her town that she was bad news. I didn't listen. She wasn't slutty or anything. In fact she was the complete opposite. She even called herself a prude. But she was definitely a tease. She loved games. She knew she was hot and she knew how to get what she wanted. And I guess for a couple weeks, it was me. She told me it was different with me. That she wanted to make it work and that she didn't want to mess it up. I believed her. We kissed the first time we hung out after watching a movie on one of my friends couches. It was a weird weekend because I had actually gone up there to hang out with her best friend, who I thought I was interested in, but after hanging out with The Long Distance Closet Freak, I knew I wasn't. We felt guilty about it and told her friend who at first seemed like she was upset about it, but got over it in a day. So we kept talking and I came up again a couple weeks later. We started dating and it was good. No problems and it seemed like everything was going to work out. I actually made a surprise visit to see her one weekend and when I got there she ran up to me and literally jumped on me kissing me and hugging me. She was another tiny girl. Oh those small ones, how I love them. She seemed to be really happy I was there. That night went really well. The next day I got tattooed while she did her thing. Hung out with our friends. But at the end of the night I could tell something was getting weird. She seemed more distant. The next day I dropped her off at a friends and said goodbye. It was an awkward goodbye, and I knew that it was going to end soon after that. And it did. An hour later. She said she wasn't ready for it. That was a lie. She missed her ex boyfriend. I was bummed but it happens. I thought that maybe it was just a phase, kinda like it was with The One, but it wasn't. I went back up the next weekend and hung out with her and it was really difficult for both of us. She cried and I tried not to but she could tell I was upset. But nothing changed. We stayed friends for a while and then had a falling out. She was a good girl, she just never knew what she wanted.
The Art School High School Crush
Confusing name for this girl, but I can explain. I met her in high school. She actually dated one of my best friends at the time, but he wasn't exactly a good boyfriend to her. I always knew that I could do better, but it was never talked about. Me and her were really close but she loved him and I just wanted her to be happy. We didn't talk much after I graduated. She was a couple years younger than me. They dated for a few years, but broke up for whatever reason. Probably cause he took her for granted. Anyways, she ended up moving to Georgia to go to SCAD. Thats a college for art and design for those who don't know. Hence the Art School part of the name. Get it now? Anyways, she only stayed there for a couple years, and transfered to an art school in Sarasota, FL. She came home Thanksgiving weekend and I actually saw her on Thanksgiving randomly. We just sat and talked for hours. We caught up on everything that happened the past couple years, and reminisced about high school. I confessed about how I had the biggest crush on her back then and she told me how she always wished she had met me first, before she dated him. It was weird to hear because I always thought she was too good for me. I think a lot of girls are too good for me. Not that they are too good, just that I'd never have a chance with them. But I guess I don't give myself enough credit. We hung out the next day. I think I helped her put up her christmas tree. I ended up going out with her that night and we spent the night at her sisters. We kissed and things just slowly fell into place. We spent the rest of the weekend together and started dating the next weekend when I went up to see her in college. We dated through the New Year and broke up toward the end of Winter Break. I blamed it on her drinking, but it wasn't that. She never got drunk, she just drank, a lot. It made me uncomfortable, but I think it was just an excuse to get out. The distance was too much and I just didn't feel the same way I used to about her. In high school she was that hot girl that was out of my league, but after I got her, she lost that edge to me. She was an amazing girlfriend to me. I just didn't feel it anymore. It was nice to know what it would've been like though.
The Chonga Firecracker
Short, Brazilian, bitchy, and spontaneous. She had me wrapped around her finger right from the start. She knew exactly how to get what she wanted. I took her on a date on Tuesday, by Thursday, we were on the way to Tallahassee together. By Friday we were sleeping together, a week later we were dating, a week later we were broken up. If it had ended then, it probably would've been better for everyone, but the rollercoaster went on for months. Back and forth between me and an ex boyfriend of hers. I knew it was unhealthy for me, but just like some people can't quit smoking, I couldn't get off the ride. We would fight, she'd be gone for a couple days, but she'd come back and we'd be together again. We never dated officially again, even though it felt like we were. She would be with me and then she'd find another guy and dump me off to the side. It sucked, but I didn't go anywhere. Finally, after a couple months of it, I found a reason to stop.
The One That Was Out Of My League
Its kind of a joke how we met. Myspace. I know, pretty pathetic. I just added her thinking she was one of those myspace celebrities. Her picture was beautiful. She had the perfect face, not one flaw. She was one of the myspace celebrities so I just ignored it and went on. A couple days later she posted a bulletin about something and I was bored so I messaged her back replying to the bulletin. To my surprise she answered back. We traded a couple messages and that was that. A few days later, after being frustrated about The Chonga Firecracker, I decided to message her back and just go for it. I don't know what I said, I was just honest, but whatever it was, it worked, She gave me her number and told me to text her. I did the next day and we began talking. Just getting to know each other at first. It was surprising how easily we held conversation. I always assumed that she was way out of my league. She was also going through a break up at the time so I was happy just being friends with her. I have a lot of girl friends so why not one more. Well as time went on, I started to want more. It was hard cause I knew she didn't want a relationship but I found myself falling for this girl. I took her out to dinner one night and we went to the beach after and just talked for hours. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I tried my hardest not to seem like a dork, but it probably didn't work. Either way, she still found me attractive. I was shocked. I wasn't the normal kind of guys she usually went for. She was more into the sceneish guys with the long hair and tight pants. I'm obviously not that. But for whatever reason, she didn't mind that I was different. At least not yet. After I realized that dating this girl was actually possible, I gave it everything I had. Everyday I was more surprised at how wrong I was at the beginning. I guess I don't give myself enough credit. We spent the next couple months together. Not officially, but we were together. I wanted the title so I'd push for it every once in a while, but she was always hesitant. It didn't make sense to me because we were already a couple. We did everything couples do. We were exclusive. I didn't see any reason we shouldn't be together. So after a while, it really started to bother me. It got to the point where one night we sat in the car for a couple hours trying to figure it out. I told her that I couldn't keep putting myself in the situation because it was hurting me too much. I was falling in love with this girl and I needed to know if it was the same for her. She didn't know. So I pushed her away. It ended up being a mistake. A week later she met a guy, who fit her type, and started talking to him. I tried to save it, and did ok for a little, probably only due to the fact that he lived 3 hours away. But I lost her to him after a few weeks. I gave up and just did my thing after that. We kept in touch but it wasn't the same. They dated for a month or so, and I was always there for her as her friend. We got comfortable that way. Right before I left for tour in Japan/Australia, we hung out a couple times after not seeing each other for almost a month. I had put it off because I needed time to get over her. As we hung out the feelings came back, for both of us. Her and her boyfriend were having problems, and I guess the comfort of me being there made her feel something for me again. We talked about the what ifs, and it seemed to me that we were going to end up together when I got back. Things didn't work out that way. The distance was too much, along with her busy college schedule. We hardly talked while I was gone and when I came back it was too late. We had lunch together and tried to save it, but it never left the ground again. It was pretty hard at first. We fought a lot. But we both went through some hard times and realized how much we meant to each other. We don't look at each other the same way we used to now. We are more like family. I care about her like she's a little sister, and she can come to me with anything and know that I will always be there for her. I know that she will be one of the people that stays in my life for a very long time.
The Blonde Bombshell Party Girl
Not too long after The One That Was Out Of My League, I was reunited with an ex from about a year ago. This was just a girl that I had a thing with for a week or so and it faded for a few reasons. One being she was too young. I thought over time, maybe she had grown up. I was way wrong. The only thing she grew into was a party animal. This girl is really attractive. She looks like a model. Super long legs, the perfect body, and a gorgeous face. But she has always been too immature. Very materialistic. Anyway, after not speaking for a year, we were brought together because of a friends birthday. I ended up picking her up from the Hard Rock Casino, she was drunk after partying at one of the clubs there. She started bringing up all this stuff about the past, and saying how much she missed me and liked me. She was drunk so I tried not to take any of it to heart. She started kissing on me and I felt uncomfortable but I didn't want to ruin things thinking maybe she'd still feel the same when she wasn't drunk. She did. For a day. Then it was back to the same old shit. We hardly talked. I tried, but it just didn't happen. So I gave it up again. I wouldn't have even written about this, its just that it was pretty recent so I guess its still fresh in my head. I'm over it, and it will just be a memory very soon. Thanks to someone who just came into my life when I had given up all hope.
I have grown up a lot in the past few years. A lot of that having to do with what I have been through involving relationships. I have learned a lot about myself and about the female species. All of which I will use to find the best possible partner for myself. I know that one day I will find someone that I get to give my heart to and not have to worry about it getting broken. I'm fragile. As much as I try to play it off like I'm unbreakable, I'm just as vulnerable as anyone else. I just want to be loved and love with all I have, to find someone I can grow old with. The day I can do that, will be the happiest day of my life.
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