I know now, who I am is better than who I used to be.

I haven't updated since Thanksgiving because there has been a lot going on. Its not that I haven't had time, its just that I have had so much on my mind and so much time to think that I wanted to try and figure things out before I came and wrote about it. It didn't really work. I'm still lost. I'm still clueless. I still need something to change.

I lost my job a week ago. I don't know the exact reason and I didn't care to ask when I was getting laid off. I tried to hide the fact that I hated my job by pretending to love it. I was miserable. Working 10 hour days, not getting any kind of praise for what I was doing or all the extra shit I had to deal with. Instead I got bitched at for the small things that I did wrong. I look at losing the job as a blessing in disguise. I'm the kind of person that's afraid to just quit because its scary being unemployed. Especially when you have bills. I would've stayed at that dead end job for as long as it was available to me, even being miserable, because I was afraid to go look for something else, something better. So now that I am unemployed, I've had a lot of time to myself, to think. You'd think I'd figure out somethings. Maybe figure out what I'm doing with my life, my future, a career. I haven't. All I've thought about is how miserable I have been for the past couple years. I know exactly when it started. I know the exact reason. I think I know how to fix it. The problem is actually being able to do it.

I made a huge mistake a couple years ago. I tried to change who I was. You'd think I would have a good reason to do this, but I didn't. It all came down to a girl. The girl. The one I'm always rambling about how I ruined everything and blah blah blah. Well after I messed that situation up I acted on pure jealousy. She started dating an older guy. A guy who seemed to have his shit together. He had a house, money, a full time job. I thought in order to have any chance at getting her back, I needed to get my shit together. So I went out, got a full time job, within a couple months I bought a new car, a few months later, I moved out of my parents house. All this seemed like a good idea at the time. By the time I had all that going for me it had already been too late. She had moved on, I had a new girlfriend, everything was different. But here I was, a "man". I had bills that I couldn't afford, I had a job that I didn't want, I was on my own. The main thing about this is that I gave up everything that I was because I thought it was for the best. I tried to grow up because I thought that's what I needed to do. That's what everyone tells you that you need to do. Society tells you that in order to be an adult, you need a job and responsibilities. So pretty much society teaches us that in order to be adults, we have to be miserable. Come on, be honest with yourself, does anyone actually want to work? For the few people that actually like their jobs, most of us probably wouldn't consider what they do work. If people say they like their job, its probably because they do something that most people would kill to be able to do for a living. Not everyone can be an athlete, actor, musician, artist. Most of us have to take the shit jobs in the world because that's what we think we are supposed to do. Its what we are told we HAVE to do. I don't want to. I'm going to do everything I can so that I don't have to either.

I wasn't born to work in a warehouse. I wasn't born to sit at a computer all day. I know I wasn't made for any of that. As adolescent and unrealistic as it may be, I know I was made to play music. I know there is more to life than materialistic bullshit. I bought a car I shouldn't have because I thought it would make me happy. It has made me miserable. All the money that I have worked for has gone to that stupid thing and I hate it. I work so I can pay for that stupid car and everyday I wish that I could just crash the damn thing into a lake and not have to pay for it anymore. Life would be so much easier. I think I'm close to the point where I can get rid of it now that I don't owe as much for it. That's my goal. Once I get rid of the car, I feel like I will have more freedom to do what I know I should be doing. I have made a promise to myself to not let anything hold me back from what I want to do. I don't care what job I have when the time comes, I am not holding on to anything that slows down the forward progress. I rather be in debt and happy doing something I love, than be working a job I hate so I can barely make it by. I have been living someone else's life for the past couple years and I'm not doing it anymore. I tried to conform to what society says we should be, and its not for me. I'm going to start living my life for myself again. Knowing that has made me the happiest I have been in years. Here goes everything.