Armed With A Mind

I'll probably ramble a lot cause I haven't written in a while and I feel like I have a lot to say, so bear with me.

To start, my last post got a lot of attention. Mostly unwanted attention. Certain people that I mentioned didn't like what I had to say, and the post was edited accordingly. I am not happy about that, but I rather not have to deal with the drama. What I said was the whole truth and I should be able to say that, but at the same time, some people don't like the truth. I don't write to cause problems, I just write to say whats on my mind. Some people enjoy it, some people don't. Some people will compliment me on how much they like it, some people will try to tell me how much no one cares and insult me because that's how immature they are. Its all good, I'm not phased by it. I actually laugh at it all.

I am not a fan of drama if you couldn't tell. I try to keep to myself when it comes to that kind of stuff. I try not to get involved with stuff that doesn't involve me. I try not to let myself get dragged into it either. I'm in the process of trying to rid myself of the dramatic people. Its hard when you care about people that are just not good. Some of the people I have associated myself with that last few years seem like they are just magnets for confrontation. I don't want to deal with that kind of stuff anymore. I don't want to be grouped in with certain people because I hang out with them, therefore I am somehow involved in their drama. I don't like that. If it doesn't directly involve me, I want to be kept out of it. I try not to let things bother me, but sometimes I have to stand up for myself when I feel disrespected. I feel like I don't go disrespecting people, so I should be given the same respect. I have my certain lifestyle that I live, and other people have theirs. I never judge, I never insult anyone, or make fun of anyone, so I just want to be treated the same. I don't think its that much to ask.

I think its funny when people try to make me feel stupid or talk down to me. I don't sit on my phone googling useless information all day. I have a job, I have a life, I don't have time for pointless researching. I don't care how many big words you use in your vocabulary, that doesn't make you better than me. Its also funny that half the people I know that went to college have worse jobs than me and get paid less than me. Don't get me wrong, college is needed for a lot of shit, but half the stuff they teach you is stupid pointless shit that you will never need. The fact that you went to college doesn't make you smarter than me. It might mean you know some useless math equations, or scientific formulas, wrote a lot more pointless papers on shit no one cares about, but it doesn't make you better or smarter than me. You see, while you were wasting 4 years of your life with your face in books reading charts and letters, trying to figure out what x and y equal when you use them in this formula that looks like some stupid squiggly lines that a 2 year old drew, I was learning more important things. In a way, I am smarter than a lot of you. I found a way to be happy. I love what I do, I love playing music, I love working with my best friends, and it makes me happy to know that I will not wake up everyday hating my life because I went to school for something I am not happy doing. I respect those of you who become doctors, lawyers, teachers, the people that actually need to go to school. But I am not going to respect anyone who thinks they are better or smarter just because they went to college. Going to school will never teach you what matters in life. It'll never teach you to love, to care, to smile. That's the kind of stuff you can't pay to learn, and in my opinion, its all that will ever matter. Money, material things, status, none of that makes a difference unless you are happy.

The other day I was basically told that I would never be good enough because I have visible tattoos. It really bummed me out at first because it was by someone who I used to care for a lot. This person never came across as someone who would change like that, but they did. I don't know what it was, whether it was college, whether it was the kind of people they met there, I don't really know. The fact is, the person I knew is no longer the same. I can understand as people grow up, their "type" may change. Girls aren't always going to want guys with better hair than theirs or tighter pants. But tattoos? We don't live in the 70s anymore. Everyone has tattoos. Mine are just in places you can't hide them. But why should I have to hide them. They aren't disrespectful to anyone. They aren't inappropriate. They're just there. So to be told that I wouldn't fit in at a function, or a party, or anywhere, just because I have tattoos, was such an insult to me. People that judge by looks alone are not people I want to be associated with. I feel sorry for you in a way. Not everyone with tattoos is a criminal, or a bad person, I know some of the most amazing people in this world who are covered in tattoos. Some of my best friends have them from head to toe and they are the most caring, thoughtful people that I have ever met. The longer people think like you do, the longer this world will be shit. I mean I don't think the world will ever be perfect, but what people choose to put on their bodies, should not effect how other people view them as people. Don't be shallow or judgemental. Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves.

It was only a matter of time before I had something to say about girls. So confusing, so hard to understand, yet I never give up when I should. I'm trying to change that, but its easier said than done. I find it amusing when girls complain about never finding decent guys. Don't blame anyone but yourself on that one. You all go for the shitheads, that's no ones fault but yourself. I don't think its that hard to spot someone who is full of shit, but maybe that's because I am a guy. It's pretty simple, if a guy seems sketchy, he is. If he has a bad reputation, chances are he hasn't changed. No matter how sorry he is, he will screw up again. There are some out there that will change, that will learn from mistakes and learn to be better people, but they have to actually care. Guys will screw up. Their attention will wander. They will want more than what they have. Its the ones that do not take what they have for granted that will stay faithful. Some guys will get hurt and use that as fuel to screw over more girls. Some will turn it around and learn from it and just try harder the next time. Some guys will fuck up with someone they care about and just brush it off and do it to the next one. But some will regret it for the rest of their lives and make sure it never happens again. As a girl, you just have to figure out which one you are dealing with. You control what kind of guys you get involved with. So don't complain when he cheats on you, you stay with him, and expect it not to happen again. Don't be so naive. Oh and step one to finding a decent guy would probably be not being a shitty girl. I don't know how you expect to find a decent guy when you have fucked over a bunch of guys and are known for it.

The past 2 weekends I spent in Orlando with friends, not thinking about girls, just having fun. I have been in a good mood because of that. It feels good to not be looking for someone anymore. I think I'm finally happy with myself, not needing someone else to make me happy. Maybe that's why I was so unhappy for so long. You can't depend on other people to make you happy. You're usually going to be let down. I was, many times. But I think I'm finally at the stage where I know I don't need anyone but myself. I am focusing on myself and getting my shit in order. If someone comes along and it works out, awesome. But I won't go searching for it. It'll happen when its supposed to.

In the next couple weeks I have a ton of stuff going on. Living With Lions is Thursday in Miami. Halloween is this weekend, which I have no idea what I am doing for, but I'm sure I'll find something. Next week Kristen and Justin from OTN are coming in and Friday is the benefit show at Talent Farm. I am really glad I got involved with this charity and have met some amazing people through it. Please come out and support a good cause. Later on in November I have the Fireworks show, NFG/Dashboard in South Florida and Orlando, Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I'm also gonna try to make it out to visit some friends out of town. Tallahassee for sure, Melbourne in December, maybe New York and California. Those will obviously be spread out over time. I can't afford all the traveling just yet. I have some debt to take care of first. I'd love to finally make it to Times Square for New Years, but we will have to see about that.

I think that's all I've got for now. I have a tumblr that I post a song of the day everyday on. Check that out if you haven't yet. Tumblr

Not sure when I'll have more to write about. I probably forgot something on here so maybe I'll be back soon. Till then, take care.

Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past

So I have been thinking about doing this the last couple days and finally decided, why the hell not. I don't really have much to write about, and I feel like I could have a lot to say about this, this being my love life. I mean, my life has pretty much revolved around it, so I felt like writing about the main people that have been a part of it throughout its existence. I'm not gonna include names, I thought about including pictures, and I know it'd make it more interesting, but I might not be too nice about some of these people. If you know me, and have been around long enough, you probably will know who I'm talking about when I'm talking about them. Maybe one day down the road I'll edit it and add the pictures, but for now, just use your imagination.

The Childhood Crush

I met her in Kindergarten. I thought she was God's gift to humanity. At the time, I thought that I would love her for the rest of my life. I hoped we'd get married and have kids and have the perfect life, you know, like they did in the movies. We were reunited again in 4th grade and I started to understand girls a little more than I had back in the coloring in the lines days of Kindergarten. I had a best friend who happened to be a girl, more of a tomboy though, but she helped me out talking to the crush. Thanks to my best friend I found out all the secrets that I wasn't supposed to know. I remember it specifically to this day because at the time, I thought it was the best day of my life. I walked in to class late, took my seat next to the best friend and she told me she had some good news. She had told the crush that I "liked" her and it just so happened that the crush "liked" me too. I had the biggest smile on my face the rest of the day. I got the courage to ask the girl to hang out with me and see a movie. I think we saw The Cable Guy in theaters. I don't remember the movie as much as I remember just being with her. We "dated" for a couple weeks, it was at the end of the school year so I didn't get to see her much once summer started and she broke up with me. Of course I was devastated. We might have held hands or something but I never got to kiss her. Not until 5th grade, spin the bottle, I thought I was so lucky. I continued the crush through that year and into middle school, but the feelings were never returned from her. She grew into one of the popular girls in school. We drifted apart but stayed friends through middle school. We had a couple classes together, I saw her around in the halls and always wished we'd be together again. I dated other girls in middle school. None of which seemed to compare to her. She stayed little and cute all through middle school and into high school. We had classes together there too, and she always thought of me as the goofy good friend type, but I always secretly wished it was more. We never hung out out side of school after middle school. Maybe once or twice during Senior year to catch up. The last time I had class with her was in 9th grade I think. I started to give up hope after that. I always had a little hope that maybe one day we'd find each other way after high school, get that cup of coffee and catch up, and she wouldn't be too popular for me, or too out of my league at that point. We'd be adults and that kind of stuff wouldn't matter. But I let it go Senior year when I found my first serious girlfriend. By serious I mean that last longer than a month or two. I saw the childhood crush last year when she came to visit from New York, which is where she currently lives. I got to spend a couple hours with her and her family and it was really nice to see that she was doing well. She's practically engaged right now and I'm really happy for her. She was always a sweetheart to me and I will remember her for the rest of my life.

The First

I met her through friends during my summer before Senior year. She was small, short blonde hair, and glasses. I thought she was so cute. We had hung out for a week or something straight and I asked her to date me and she said yes. That lasted a weekend. She said we rushed into things, which I can understand now, but at the time I thought we should just date. Well it didn't happen. She ended up liking another guy a couple weeks later and I was so jealous. He was actually one of my good friends so it caused some drama. We stayed in contact for a couple months and over winter break I started talking to another girl. A girl I knew I had no chance with, she thought of me as the friend type, but The First didn't know that. She thought that I was going to end up dating the other girl and for some reason this bothered her. I made it seem like I was moving on so she had to figure out what was going on and quickly. She did. While she was on a family vacation I guess it hit her that she didn't want to lose me so when she came back she made it obvious she wanted to be with me. I made her sweat it out for a week, and then we started dating on January 12th, 2004. Weird that I still remember the date, but I think its cause I got her a one year anniversary thing with the date on it. I'm usually pretty good with remembering dates, plus, we spent the next 3 years together, on and off during the last one. I lost my virginity to her a few months after we started dating. I was 17. It was kind of embarrassing seeing as my brother lost his before me and he is almost 3 years younger than me. But I was just glad it finally happened. I probably didn't treat her as good as I should've. It started out with me having way more feelings for her than she did for me, but over time it was reversed. I don't really know why but it faded for me. Probably because as time went by, being as young as I was, I knew that I wasn't ready to settle down with one person just yet. I was curious to see what else was out there. She stuck by me, through a couple tours, a month of me living in New Jersey to record one of my bands CDs, and me being not the best boyfriend. I ended it after 3 years while I was on tour. I remember being in Brockton, MA the day I did it. I did it over the phone with her outside of the venue we were playing, The Tiger's Den or Lion's Den, something like that. Anyway, she cried and I did too, but I had to do it. I couldn't keep myself in it any longer. I needed something new, and I found it, less than a month later.

The One

If any of you read my first post, the introduction one, then you already know the summary of this story. But now you'll know the details and how it all went down. The "mistake" that I so vaguely mentioned that ended my engagement to the love of my life. I had met her during the on and off period of The First. We hung out for a week, and I started to have feelings for her, but as soon as I was about to say something, she went back to her shitty ex boyfriend of a year. A couple weeks later I went back to The First as well. Me and The One just had a falling out and didn't speak for a few months. It wasn't till that tour that I spoke to her again. A couple days after me and The First broke up, I got a random text from a number I didn't recognize. We started talking again, she apologized for how everything went down. She was now single, but kinda at the end of seeing a different guy. We began talking everyday, slowly it started turning into flirting, and before I came home, it had gotten to the point where she and a friend decided to drive up to Tampa to see our last 2 shows of the tour. We got a hotel room in Orlando and began dating a day later. It all happened really fast. It was really intense. We spent the next few weeks together and then out of no where, with in the span of 2 days, she broke up with me. Her first reason was that she just wasn't ready for all of this, but I soon found out that she still had feelings for the last guy she was with. I stuck around, and she kept coming back. We'd hang out and hook up, but it took a couple months before she was with me again. During that time period she started seeing someone else, and I did my thing too. But we always came back to each other. We never really made things official again till it was too late. You see, to her, we were together, it wasn't like a question. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. To me, I was always afraid she was going to drop me in a second again. So in the time period of unofficial togetherness which was actually pretty much official, I met another girl. The Cause. We talked a lot and I thought she was great. I should've been happy with what I already had, but at the time I was scared. I wanted something more solid, something I didn't have to worry about hurting me. I made the mistake of kissing the other girl. Being the idiot I was, I didn't drop it after that either. I kept it going for a couple weeks. I ended up making a decision to bring The One on tour with my band because her parents were moving across the state and I didn't wanna lose her. So she headed out with us. At this point I finally realized I was fucking up. Big time. I had to stop talking to The Cause. I tried to fade it out as much as I could. During the tour I ended up realizing how in love with The One I was, and I could finally tell she wasn't going anywhere. It felt like she loved me just as much as I loved her. I proposed. She said yes. There was no ring, it was a spur of the moment thing. I didn't plan it, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She felt the same. I made the mistake of staying in contact with The Cause. She was a great girl and I don't know why but I wanted her in my life. I really cared about her. But I knew that The One was the girl for me. Things were good for a while. It was a really long tour so as time went on, being with each other every second of everyday took its tool. We fought every once in a while, but would make up and everything would be fine. Things were good. Until Ohio. I'll never forget the look she gave me when I came out of the shower to her with my phone in her hand. She had seen a text messages between me and The Cause. They didn't say anything terrible, I think it was just the fact that I had promised not to talk to her anymore and kept doing it. We argued about it, she slapped me, and broke my phone into 2 pieces. She booked a flight home the next day. We both cried our eyes out at the airport saying goodbye. It was the hardest goodbye of my life. I didn't know if she'd ever forgive me. She got on the plane and was off to Florida. Within a week of being home, she was introduced to a tattoo artist who was a terrible guy for her, but she pursued it anyway. I ended up coming home from tour early also because I had some health problems up at Niagara Falls. I passed out and my blood pressure dropped really low. My heart rate slowed in the 30s and I had no idea why. I refused the hospital because I didn't have health insurance. I flew home a couple days later. When I got home I made the drive to see her in Naples where she was living with her parents. It was much different. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I could tell that she was thinking about him. She ended up moving back over and living with friends. One night at one of our mutual friends houses, we had a moment and kissed. I felt like things were going to be ok after that. They slowly started to get better, and she started to forgive me. Once the tattoo guy was out of the picture it was just me and her again. Everything was looking up and it stayed that way for a couple months. She lived with me for a few weeks, but we got in a fight one night, over something really stupid, and she left. That was the last time we'd ever be anything more than friends. She started talking to another guy a couple days later, and before I could do anything to get her back, she was with him. I lost her again. This time for good. It was a roller coaster of a year. I still blame myself to this day for being such a guy. Having my cake and eating it too. I think that's the saying. I had the best thing to ever happen to me and I blew it because I doubted how she felt about me. It took me 2 years to get completely over her. We have been close and hated each other since then. Right now we aren't speaking again. I will always love her and care about her, we just drive each other insane sometimes. I don't know if we will ever be close again, but I do know that she will always be The One that got away.

The Cause

I figured since she was a big part of the collapse of my engagement that I might as well say something about her. I met her through a friend when she came into the Lucky Brand Jeans store that I was working at. She was short, long blonde hair, and just fit perfectly into this petite little body that was so good. I have a thing for short girls if you couldn't tell. Anyways, we talked because I was supposed to give her one of those Live in Love bracelets that you found in Lucky jeans. We hung out a couple times and it was never anything serious. I screwed one of my good friends over with her though. He had a huge thing for her and they hooked up, but then she realized she wasn't into him and I kinda got jealous of him. It was weird, because I was seeing The One, but I was curious about the girl. We hung out again and I just felt the urge to kiss her and I did, while we were sitting on a bench talking, mid sentence. It was like one of those kisses that you see in the movies where the girl is talking and the guy interrupts her by just laying one on her. She said it was her best first kiss ever. I felt guilty but at the same time, I thought The One was going to leave me anyway. I was an idiot. Don't get me wrong, if The Cause had come along at any other time, I would've been all over that. But she didn't. She came right at the worst time and I was too weak to stop myself from ruining the best part of my life. But I am thankful for The Cause. She changed who I am as a person. Before she came along, I was just one of the normal guys in this world. In other words, I was a complete asshole. I only cared about myself, getting what I wanted, I didn't care about who I hurt, I was a guy and that gave me the right to treat girls like shit and have an excuse for it. Right? No. I look back at who I was back then and I am disgusted with myself. It took me losing the love of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me, for me to realize how much of a dick I was. I know that I will never make the same mistakes that I made before again for the rest of my life. I have become someone who I am happy with. A much more positive and respectful person. I look at other guys and think to myself that I am glad I am not like them. I know what it is to love with your whole heart now, and I will spend the rest of my life searching for that feeling again if I have to. I know I'll find it one day.

The Long Distance Closet Freak

Dating someone who lives 6 hours away is always tough, but its even tougher when the person you are trying to date is known for playing dudes. I was warned by all my close friends that lived in her town that she was bad news. I didn't listen. She wasn't slutty or anything. In fact she was the complete opposite. She even called herself a prude. But she was definitely a tease. She loved games. She knew she was hot and she knew how to get what she wanted. And I guess for a couple weeks, it was me. She told me it was different with me. That she wanted to make it work and that she didn't want to mess it up. I believed her. We kissed the first time we hung out after watching a movie on one of my friends couches. It was a weird weekend because I had actually gone up there to hang out with her best friend, who I thought I was interested in, but after hanging out with The Long Distance Closet Freak, I knew I wasn't. We felt guilty about it and told her friend who at first seemed like she was upset about it, but got over it in a day. So we kept talking and I came up again a couple weeks later. We started dating and it was good. No problems and it seemed like everything was going to work out. I actually made a surprise visit to see her one weekend and when I got there she ran up to me and literally jumped on me kissing me and hugging me. She was another tiny girl. Oh those small ones, how I love them. She seemed to be really happy I was there. That night went really well. The next day I got tattooed while she did her thing. Hung out with our friends. But at the end of the night I could tell something was getting weird. She seemed more distant. The next day I dropped her off at a friends and said goodbye. It was an awkward goodbye, and I knew that it was going to end soon after that. And it did. An hour later. She said she wasn't ready for it. That was a lie. She missed her ex boyfriend. I was bummed but it happens. I thought that maybe it was just a phase, kinda like it was with The One, but it wasn't. I went back up the next weekend and hung out with her and it was really difficult for both of us. She cried and I tried not to but she could tell I was upset. But nothing changed. We stayed friends for a while and then had a falling out. She was a good girl, she just never knew what she wanted.

The Art School High School Crush

Confusing name for this girl, but I can explain. I met her in high school. She actually dated one of my best friends at the time, but he wasn't exactly a good boyfriend to her. I always knew that I could do better, but it was never talked about. Me and her were really close but she loved him and I just wanted her to be happy. We didn't talk much after I graduated. She was a couple years younger than me. They dated for a few years, but broke up for whatever reason. Probably cause he took her for granted. Anyways, she ended up moving to Georgia to go to SCAD. Thats a college for art and design for those who don't know. Hence the Art School part of the name. Get it now? Anyways, she only stayed there for a couple years, and transfered to an art school in Sarasota, FL. She came home Thanksgiving weekend and I actually saw her on Thanksgiving randomly. We just sat and talked for hours. We caught up on everything that happened the past couple years, and reminisced about high school. I confessed about how I had the biggest crush on her back then and she told me how she always wished she had met me first, before she dated him. It was weird to hear because I always thought she was too good for me. I think a lot of girls are too good for me. Not that they are too good, just that I'd never have a chance with them. But I guess I don't give myself enough credit. We hung out the next day. I think I helped her put up her christmas tree. I ended up going out with her that night and we spent the night at her sisters. We kissed and things just slowly fell into place. We spent the rest of the weekend together and started dating the next weekend when I went up to see her in college. We dated through the New Year and broke up toward the end of Winter Break. I blamed it on her drinking, but it wasn't that. She never got drunk, she just drank, a lot. It made me uncomfortable, but I think it was just an excuse to get out. The distance was too much and I just didn't feel the same way I used to about her. In high school she was that hot girl that was out of my league, but after I got her, she lost that edge to me. She was an amazing girlfriend to me. I just didn't feel it anymore. It was nice to know what it would've been like though.

The Chonga Firecracker

Short, Brazilian, bitchy, and spontaneous. She had me wrapped around her finger right from the start. She knew exactly how to get what she wanted. I took her on a date on Tuesday, by Thursday, we were on the way to Tallahassee together. By Friday we were sleeping together, a week later we were dating, a week later we were broken up. If it had ended then, it probably would've been better for everyone, but the rollercoaster went on for months. Back and forth between me and an ex boyfriend of hers. I knew it was unhealthy for me, but just like some people can't quit smoking, I couldn't get off the ride. We would fight, she'd be gone for a couple days, but she'd come back and we'd be together again. We never dated officially again, even though it felt like we were. She would be with me and then she'd find another guy and dump me off to the side. It sucked, but I didn't go anywhere. Finally, after a couple months of it, I found a reason to stop.

The One That Was Out Of My League

Its kind of a joke how we met. Myspace. I know, pretty pathetic. I just added her thinking she was one of those myspace celebrities. Her picture was beautiful. She had the perfect face, not one flaw. She was one of the myspace celebrities so I just ignored it and went on. A couple days later she posted a bulletin about something and I was bored so I messaged her back replying to the bulletin. To my surprise she answered back. We traded a couple messages and that was that. A few days later, after being frustrated about The Chonga Firecracker, I decided to message her back and just go for it. I don't know what I said, I was just honest, but whatever it was, it worked, She gave me her number and told me to text her. I did the next day and we began talking. Just getting to know each other at first. It was surprising how easily we held conversation. I always assumed that she was way out of my league. She was also going through a break up at the time so I was happy just being friends with her. I have a lot of girl friends so why not one more. Well as time went on, I started to want more. It was hard cause I knew she didn't want a relationship but I found myself falling for this girl. I took her out to dinner one night and we went to the beach after and just talked for hours. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I tried my hardest not to seem like a dork, but it probably didn't work. Either way, she still found me attractive. I was shocked. I wasn't the normal kind of guys she usually went for. She was more into the sceneish guys with the long hair and tight pants. I'm obviously not that. But for whatever reason, she didn't mind that I was different. At least not yet. After I realized that dating this girl was actually possible, I gave it everything I had. Everyday I was more surprised at how wrong I was at the beginning. I guess I don't give myself enough credit. We spent the next couple months together. Not officially, but we were together. I wanted the title so I'd push for it every once in a while, but she was always hesitant. It didn't make sense to me because we were already a couple. We did everything couples do. We were exclusive. I didn't see any reason we shouldn't be together. So after a while, it really started to bother me. It got to the point where one night we sat in the car for a couple hours trying to figure it out. I told her that I couldn't keep putting myself in the situation because it was hurting me too much. I was falling in love with this girl and I needed to know if it was the same for her. She didn't know. So I pushed her away. It ended up being a mistake. A week later she met a guy, who fit her type, and started talking to him. I tried to save it, and did ok for a little, probably only due to the fact that he lived 3 hours away. But I lost her to him after a few weeks. I gave up and just did my thing after that. We kept in touch but it wasn't the same. They dated for a month or so, and I was always there for her as her friend. We got comfortable that way. Right before I left for tour in Japan/Australia, we hung out a couple times after not seeing each other for almost a month. I had put it off because I needed time to get over her. As we hung out the feelings came back, for both of us. Her and her boyfriend were having problems, and I guess the comfort of me being there made her feel something for me again. We talked about the what ifs, and it seemed to me that we were going to end up together when I got back. Things didn't work out that way. The distance was too much, along with her busy college schedule. We hardly talked while I was gone and when I came back it was too late. We had lunch together and tried to save it, but it never left the ground again. It was pretty hard at first. We fought a lot. But we both went through some hard times and realized how much we meant to each other. We don't look at each other the same way we used to now. We are more like family. I care about her like she's a little sister, and she can come to me with anything and know that I will always be there for her. I know that she will be one of the people that stays in my life for a very long time.

The Blonde Bombshell Party Girl

Not too long after The One That Was Out Of My League, I was reunited with an ex from about a year ago. This was just a girl that I had a thing with for a week or so and it faded for a few reasons. One being she was too young. I thought over time, maybe she had grown up. I was way wrong. The only thing she grew into was a party animal. This girl is really attractive. She looks like a model. Super long legs, the perfect body, and a gorgeous face. But she has always been too immature. Very materialistic. Anyway, after not speaking for a year, we were brought together because of a friends birthday. I ended up picking her up from the Hard Rock Casino, she was drunk after partying at one of the clubs there. She started bringing up all this stuff about the past, and saying how much she missed me and liked me. She was drunk so I tried not to take any of it to heart. She started kissing on me and I felt uncomfortable but I didn't want to ruin things thinking maybe she'd still feel the same when she wasn't drunk. She did. For a day. Then it was back to the same old shit. We hardly talked. I tried, but it just didn't happen. So I gave it up again. I wouldn't have even written about this, its just that it was pretty recent so I guess its still fresh in my head. I'm over it, and it will just be a memory very soon. Thanks to someone who just came into my life when I had given up all hope.

I have grown up a lot in the past few years. A lot of that having to do with what I have been through involving relationships. I have learned a lot about myself and about the female species. All of which I will use to find the best possible partner for myself. I know that one day I will find someone that I get to give my heart to and not have to worry about it getting broken. I'm fragile. As much as I try to play it off like I'm unbreakable, I'm just as vulnerable as anyone else. I just want to be loved and love with all I have, to find someone I can grow old with. The day I can do that, will be the happiest day of my life.

Stop This Train

I haven't updated in a while. I try not to thinking that if I hold off, I'll have more to write about. But I really don't. Life has been boring and predictable lately. I have met a few new people who have kept me entertained, but for the most part, my days are spent at home, not having anything to do.

This past weekend I got out a little. I went to a friends birthday dinner on Friday night. It was pretty fun. We ate at Benihana's. It was a little out of my budget seeing as I have been out of work since I got back from tour. So I just got a small roll of sushi that I didn't even finish. Me eating sushi, I know, its weird. After that we hit up some white trash bar in Coral Springs. It was entertaining watching people dance, especially the old bald guy who was going nuts. I think he thought it was still the early 90s and the Vanilla Ice moves were hip, he was wrong. We went to Jesse's for a little after that, then I went down to Hard Rock to pick up Taylor. I haven't talked to her in probably a year, but we finally talked and solved everything and it was nice to spend time with her again. We hung out for a couple hours before I dropped her off at home. I got home around 5 and went to bed.

The next day was the Miami game against Oklahoma. We went down way too early for me, because everyone wanted to tailgate and get drunk. Obviously not my thing. I sat in a chair for 3 hours hating my phone for not working and just counting down the minutes till kick off. I ate half of a 6 inch sub and drank a coca-cola classic while everyone else was downing beer through funnels and what not. We finally made it into the game. I haven't been to a game since early last season so it was nice to be back. The game started off kinda rough, we turned the ball over twice falling behind 10-0. We came back and scored on a pass to our tight end Jimmy Graham who used to play for the basketball team. Weird. He dropped some passes last week so it was good to finally see him catch one. We went in to halftime down 3. The Miami band is still not very good. They played Michael Jackson songs, but you couldn't really hear them. The second half started and our cornerback Brandon Harris quickly caused a turn over when he hit their quaterback causing him to fumble. We took the lead a play later on a pass to Epps. We scored again later on when Jacory Harris connected with Travis Benjamin on long pass. Miami didn't score again. Oklahoma came back and made it a close game, but thanks to Javarris James running for 150 yards, Miami held on for a 21-20 win.

Tradition

After the game, everyone was going nuts. Miami hasn't been this good in years so its nice to see some excitement in the team again. They are ranked number 11 again. Sorry for all the sports talk, I had to make my dad happy cause he reads this thing too.

Sunday I went out for my Grandma's 79th birthday. I think thats how old she said she was. We went to Bahama Breeze which is like a Caribbean Grill. I had some fancy wood-grilled pork covered in cheese and spinach with garlic mashed potatoes and broccoli. It was pretty good. I also had some fruit salad thing that was awesome.

Monday was a boring day. Just hung out at home watching tv. Gossip Girl. Tuesday I had a job interview in Miami for Red Bull again. They told me they didn't have a job for me at the time but that something might open up soon. I wasn't gonna wait around. So yesterday I went for a job interview at another company where I used to work and got a job there again. Working with some friends again so that'll be fun.

Tuesday I went to the American Me show in Lake Worth. They were good. All the other bands weren't. Hung out with those guys, Mean Pete, John Warden, and Cassie for a while. I also went to the show in Miami last night with JW and Josie. We got there just in time to catch American Me and they only played 4 songs before the show got shut down by the fire marshall. I guess there was some drama before they played and someone called the cops and the cops shut the show down. No word on whats gonna happen with the venue yet. The guys in the band came back here to shower and swim in my pool for a little. They left pretty early this morning to make it up to Tampa for their show tonight. They are awesome dudes so if you haven't checked them out you should do so.

Other than that, lately the only major thing I've been doing is working on this benefit show for Outlet Through Noise. I got involved with them through Mean Krystin. She said something about coming to Florida, I was curious as to why and where she was gonna be, so I hit her up, she explained everything about the charity and I offered to see if Bishop would play. We jumped on the show but had to drop off a couple days later due to prior engagements. But in the meantime I started talking to a couple people from the charity and was really interested in what they are doing. They have some amazing people involved in it and I wanted to help as much as I could. So after Bishop dropped, I offered to try and book something down in South Florida for the same weekend. November 6th is the date I'm working on. I have the Talent Farm booked. Finalizing the bands now. I will post all the information as soon as its concrete. I'm really proud that I can help with such a good cause. I respect all of the people involved with the charity immensely. I also found some good friends through it also. I have been talking to Lauren everyday and she is awesome. Her and Krystin have some of the most entertaining stories I have ever heard. My life is in no way as crazy as theirs are. They are both amazing people also. I hope I get to see them both really soon.

I've been really stressed lately about money and finding a job. I also felt like I was losing one of the most important people in my life. But slowly everything has been getting better. I found a job that I start next week. So I will finally have a steady paycheck again. I also worked everything out with the person I thought I was losing and thats good again too. So I'm slowly starting to feel better about everything. I have a show Saturday with My Complex Island at Solid Sound. It's gonna be weird. We have practiced once since I've been back. It was good but the band seems to be falling apart. Everyone has their own thing going on. I guess time will tell what happens. Now that I took this job though, the ability to tour isn't really gonna be there, so I feel like I'm finally gonna have to grow up and get settled as an adult. Sucks but thats life. Not everyone can be a rockstar.

I guess this is growing up.

Anywhere But Here

I feel like ranting. I don't even know about what. I just feel like sitting here in bed all day, not working, watching movies, and texting of course, are not very productive things to do with my life. I hate the fact that I'm not working because obviously not working means I'm not making money, which means I can't do the things I want to do. Right now I'm still doing ok surviving off the money we made on tour, but sooner or later thats gonna run out. I'm scheduled to go in to Red Bull next Tuesday, hopefully that means I'll be working by Wednesday, but who knows right now. Yeah, I decided to stick with Red Bull and not take the new job. I still want to tour. I love it. It's my life. I love meeting new people and experiencing things that not many people get to. Even though right now neither of my bands is touring. Its kind of annoying. I feel like we have potential, but theres no motivation. Everyone is doing there own thing. Other bands, girlfriends, work, and school. I mean of course I understand that music is not really a way to make a living, but I'm still young. At least I like to think I am. I'm not ready to just become that 9-5 guy who comes home hating his life every single day. I hope we get back on track and start doing shit again. Or that I find another band that is willing to.

My back hurts. I hate laying in bed all day but there is nothing to do. I don't even know where everyone is. Why does it feel like I'm the only one with nothing going on right now? It also sucks that I have seen every movie on the planet. At least everyone that I thought was worth seeing. I hate watching TV, even U-Verse has run out of things to keep me entertained. I keep searching the movies on demand to see if there is anything new, but there isn't. I probably sound like such a lazy person. I'm really not. I just have nothing to do. I haven't had anything to do since I got home. I did go out to eat with John Warden and Cassie yesterday. We went to see Audra, Dan, Baby Luca, and the puppies after. We stayed there pretty much the rest of the night which was perfectly fine with me because I wasn't at home alone in bed like I am now. We watched Kimbo Slice not do anything in his fight. We watched videos on YouTube and of course we played with the dogs.

It was kind of sad being there. I was still alone. They all had their significant other, I had nothing. I wanted someone who I could be cute with, that I could play fight with or cuddle with on the couch while we watched TV. I've gotten passed the point of searching, I did that for way too long. There was no point. No matter what I found, or how real it seemed, I was alone at the end. What I would give to go back two years. I would've done it all different. Maybe I'd still be alone right now, but at least it wouldn't have been my fault. I fucked it up. I have to live with that everyday. I know one day I'll find that feeling again. I just have no idea when.

Oh Copeland, how I love you. I could listen to this band all day. Its so relaxing. I wish there were more bands like this. Number One Fan broke up, Mae was more upbeat and their newest CD didn't do anything for me. The Get Up Kids got too folky for me towards the end. If you know of anyone that is like them, please tell me. I'm a sucker for that slow piano rock. I know it wouldn't seem like it if you were judging by the bands I play in, but take my word for it. I'm not at all what you would think. I like Chick flicks, cry baby bands, and Gossip Girl. I guess I'm kinda a hopeless romantic. That dude in the movies thats too nice for his own good, but instead of getting the girl at the end, I get dumped. If only life was like the movies. I'd be such a ladies man.

Why don't I just start a band like this? I need to learn to play guitar, and piano. Then I'd be set. I can't sing for shit, well at least I think I can't. The few people that have heard me actually sing, like seriously and not just messing around being annoying, have said its pretty good. I could probably pass for one of those Bright Eyes bands. I hate Bright Eyes. But that dude can't sing and if he can do it, maybe I can too? Someone give me guitar/piano lessons? Maybe if I do that band I can stop meeting all these scene girls and get one of those little emo chicks that the dude from Copeland writes all the songs about. That'd be a nice change. I want a cute girl, not one that tries to be one of the guys. You know what I'm talking about, those girls that try to be tough cause they think its cool. Its not. I don't wanna have to worry about my girlfriend trying to kick my ass. Or the girls that do the band guy thing, thats not attractive either. Have some self-respect. That guy that you think is the real deal, that you've met once and spent one weekend with, is going to cheat on you, or your relationship will last a week after he leaves and you'll feel stupid. Not trying to be a dick, but come on, do you really think thats love? Video chatting with someone and thinking you know them is retarded. I guess I'm stupid too though, I should probably get the idea that Allie Hamilton is real out of my head. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who loves me that much, but it'd be the best thing ever if I did.

This bed is getting more uncomfortable by the minute. I need to try and find something to do tonight, that doesn't involve spending money. Ready.....BREAK!