Thanksgiving 2009. I'm still in bed, woke up a couple hours ago, I have no reason to get out of bed yet. My life lately has consisted of work, and recording. That's pretty much it. I haven't really left my house in the past couple weeks other than to get food, go to a movie, and watch the Forrest Griffin fight. My friends are diminishing by the day, I can go a whole day without looking at my phone and knowing I won't be missing anything I care about. I'll come home, record, watch something on TV or a movie, shower, eat, and sleep. You'd think that this would bother me, but I like it better than dealing with everyone else. There are so many fake people I have involved myself with over the past 23 years of my life. It feels good to just cut myself off from that. I'm alone and it feels better than I have in years. So I guess I'm thankful for that.
I'm not gonna sit here and say that I haven't been fake to anyone, because I have. I just find it hard to say how I feel sometimes. I don't want to hurt anyone that I care about, but at the same time I hate keeping it to myself and just letting it build up. I've felt used, unappreciated, taken for granted a lot. I have sat there and done things knowing that they'd bother me and kept my mouth shut about it. I've smiled at people knowing that inside I was very angry at them. So I finally just cut them off. Without a word. I don't like confrontation, even though it seems to find me very easily. I'm just the kind of person that is going to stick up for myself and not be disrespected. I've gotten in a few arguments with friends lately cause I didn't like certain things and I spoke out about it. In other situations I've kept my mouth shut. But I guess its all about to come out.
I don't like being used. I'm not an idiot. I know when someone is just using me for a ride to somewhere to see someone. I think its funny when they try to act all buddy buddy with me when they know I'm going somewhere they want to go, just so I'll give them a ride. Funny that after we get back home, I don't hear from that person till the next time I'm going to the same place. Don't call me your best friend when all you care about is using me for a ride to see your boyfriend. People who start dating someone and then drop their friends are not people I want to associate with. There should always be balance, and you don't know how to do that. You put everything into that relationship and because of that, ours has suffered, to the point where I don't care if we never speak again. I'm not someone who is just there for you when its convenient for you. That's not how friendships work. So if you read this, and you know exactly who you are, don't waste your time anymore. I gave up. You're not the person I thought you were.
Other than that, I've just cut myself off from people because I was tired of stupid confrontation. I've been locked up in the studio recording because it seems like music is the only thing that I enjoy doing. I just wish I had more people that were as serious about it as I am. Everyone is all talk. A bunch of empty promises. Nothing gets done and I was tired of sitting back and waiting for something to change. So I started my own projects. Not relying on anyone else but myself. I am happy with it so far.
I don't want to leave the house today. I'm supposed to go down to Miami with my family to have dinner at my Aunt's, but I don't want to. I just don't feel like being around people. My family already thinks I'm the most anti-social person in the world. It's probably because I am. I have always been quiet around family. Probably because they all speak Spanish and I don't. I did when I was a little kid, but growing up around a bunch of white kids and not using it makes you forget. So if I go, I'll end up sitting alone watching football on TV. I rather stay here and record so at least I'll feel like I'm being productive.
Hopefully I'll have more time to update all my stuff now that I don't have a social life. I can't record all day everyday, so maybe in between the TV shows and movies, I'll make a quick stop on here. Wish me luck.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Best Laid Plans
So its been a few weeks since I have graced you with my presence. I've been really busy. I started the new job so everyday is pretty busy. I get home from work at like 6:30. By the time I shower and eat its already 8:00. That leaves me about two hours to do what I need to do before I go to bed. Yeah 10:00 is pretty early to be going to sleep, but if I go to bed too late I will be dead tired the next day at work. So I try to get the most sleep that I can. Doesn't leave much time for writing. On top of that, I've been out of town for three out of the past four weekends, and last weekend I had people here from out of town. So my free time has been pretty limited. I'm forcing myself to stay awake right now just so I can write a little bit. We'll see how much I can get done.
Basically, I've spent the past month at work, in Orlando, or sleeping. The highlights have pretty much been the weekends. The first one I went up for the Miami VS UCF game. Miami won. Tailgated, hung out with some friends, went to a party. It was a fun weekend. The next weekend I went back up with my best friend Nicole. I took her to see her boyfriend, and I went off and did my own thing. Spent Friday night with my friend Liz. Got in pretty late so we didn't do anything exciting. Saturday I went to watch the Miami VS Clemson game. Miami lost in overtime. After the game I jammed with some old band mates. We went to Best Buy and some of them now have music sections in the store. They sell some of the worst music equipment possible, but our friend is a manager there so we snuck some amps into the drum room and played a bunch of stuff for about an hour. We had people coming in the room to check out what was going on. It was a good time. Went back to the house and jammed more there. Sunday we went downtown to an old high school friend's condo. He makes really good money and lives on the top floor of one of Orlando's tallest buildings. There's a pool on the roof and you can see all of Orlando from the top. It was amazing. We watched football and went swimming. The next week went by without anything interesting. Halloween was uneventful. Did a last minute drive to Orlando to see The Almost. They were awesome. Also had to sit through The Used. They were not awesome. Stayed with Mike C. Sunday I watched more football with old friends. Got out of Orlando pretty early so I could make it back early enough to get a decent night of sleep.
Last week was by far the busiest week in a long time. Two band practices on Tuesday, Wednesday I went to see American Me, hung out with Tony after and went to get food at Latin American Grill. Thursday, two more band practices. Friday, the Outlet Through Noise benefit that I helped put together. I got out of work at 4:30 and went to pick up Nicole. Drove straight to The Talent Farm, met up with Kristen and Justin from OTN, dropped off a bunch of free drinks my job gave me to pass out, went to get ice, back to the venue, filled the coolers with the drinks and ice, and then the show began. I played for two bands that night. We managed to raise a decent amount of money for the charity. I wish we could've done more, but it was out of our hands. Either way, I had an amazing time. We went to Friday's after and ate, and then I drove Nicole home and came back to my house with Kristen and Justin. I had a really good time with them. Even though it was a short visit, I was glad they came down. We went to breakfast the next day before they headed back to Gainesville. I went out to lunch with Brett, his fiance, and Pat after an hour of work. We ate Tropical Smoothie which is so amazingly good. Then we all went to Sam Ash and messed around on the fun toys they have. We make the best music. Saturday night was just relaxing. I was really tired after the show so I just wanted to go to sleep early. Sunday I went out to eat with my friend Ryann. She took me to Tree Tops park in Davie. We walked around in the forest for a little while. Saw a lot of spiders. Took some pictures. It was a good day. I skipped out on the Hit The Lights show to relax at home.
Life has been pretty simple. I don't mind it though. I like just letting things play out. I haven't been too let down from wanting certain things, I've just been taking everything for whatever it is. For example, a few weeks ago I hung out with someone who has a boyfriend, we went to a movie, the whole time she complained to me about how she thinks he's cheating on her. I was respectful and didn't say much about it. Inside I knew what I wanted to say, but I find that its pointless to tell people, especially girls, what you think about their boyfriends and the situation they are in. Chances are they will not do anything about it. So I just let it go. It would've been nice to kiss her, or to eventually date her, but it will probably never happen. That's life. Another example, I hung out with someone else a couple days later, watched some movies together at her house, we cuddled, the night ended well. But after, we didn't really talk much. I tried, but it just didn't seem to happen. So I gave up. Every once in a while I'll see how she's doing, but I don't bend over backwards trying to make plans because it just doesn't happen no matter what I do. So I just let it be. It kinda sucks, but I don't expect much, so I don't get let down. Finally, the most recent one. Now I'd be an idiot to hope for anything out of it, just because of how highly unlikely it is that anything will ever come out of it, but I found myself wondering anyway. Its weird how the least possible one, is the one I'm most intrigued by. But I knew from the second I felt anything that it was a bad idea. Regardless, I'm just letting it be and hanging out. I'm just getting to know people. Trying to learn more about myself and about them. I know that one day everything will fall into place. So until then, I'm just going with the flow.
I mentioned something about this yesterday on twitter, but I think its weird how I treat some girls better than their boyfriends do, yet I'm the one that's single. Granted, I do go for a lot of shitty girls, if I'm such a good guy, why can't I find a good girl? As much as girls don't like to admit it, a lot of them do prefer the assholes. Nice guys do finish last the majority of the time, I just can't bring myself to being a dick anymore. Back when I was a dick, I blew it with someone who I was in love with. So I promised myself not to ever make that mistake again. I am not a bad guy and I can't fake it like I am. I'm not good at playing games. What you see is what you get. Sorry if that's not good enough. One day I'll find someone who appreciates me. So I don't feel the need to pretend I'm someone else just to end up with the girl. If you rather be treated like shit, I'm sorry. That's just not me. I also find it weird how when I do find a good girl, there is always something standing in the way of it. Whether its distance, a boyfriend, or something else, its always enough to ruin it. I guess I'm just unlucky.
So tonight I got asked to start reviewing albums for a certain website. I'm considering it. I love writing and I love music. I just feel like I'm not a good enough writer. I feel like no one is going to care what I think. But I don't know. I was surprised at how many people enjoyed reading these pointless blogs, so maybe I'll give it a shot. I already do reviews with Brett on Armed With Iron Minds so maybe I'll do a couple for a legit site every once in a while. We will see if I have enough time. For one, I'd have to listen to a lot of music, sometimes stuff I don't like, and then on top of that, write about it. With work and the bands, I think it might be a little much. But I might give it a try.
Lately I have been thinking about someone from my past a lot. I miss this person very much. We had a falling out a few months ago, but in the past few weeks, being in a certain place, seeing certain people and things, its all reminded me of the past. It makes things really hard for me. The other day I had lunch with someone who told me that they weren't over a certain person. Not necessarily the person, but the person that they used to be. I think that's how I have felt for years. I miss someone I used to be with. I miss the times that we had together and how amazing that person made me feel. But I know how much they have changed now, and its different. It's just been on my mind a lot lately. I'm getting older. Yeah twenty-three isn't very old, but I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to be single in my late twenties. I want to find someone to settle down with. Every time I see a movie with a cheesy love story, it makes me wish I had what they have. It's so unrealistic and I've said this a bunch of times, but I still hang on to the hope of it. Maybe I'm naive, but I just hope that one day I can be that lucky.
Everyday I ask myself what is left for me here. Everyday I don't have an answer.
Maybe its time for a change. Maybe I need a break for a while. I don't want to grow up yet. I don't want to be stuck working a job forever yet. I still have dreams. I don't want to let those go. It's just so hard to keep them going. I have so much responsibility now. I'm stuck.
So I'll close my eyes and drift into a world where anything is possible, and maybe I'll stay stuck there. Chances are I'll be back to reality tomorrow at 7:00 when my alarm goes off for work. Until then, find me in dreams.
Basically, I've spent the past month at work, in Orlando, or sleeping. The highlights have pretty much been the weekends. The first one I went up for the Miami VS UCF game. Miami won. Tailgated, hung out with some friends, went to a party. It was a fun weekend. The next weekend I went back up with my best friend Nicole. I took her to see her boyfriend, and I went off and did my own thing. Spent Friday night with my friend Liz. Got in pretty late so we didn't do anything exciting. Saturday I went to watch the Miami VS Clemson game. Miami lost in overtime. After the game I jammed with some old band mates. We went to Best Buy and some of them now have music sections in the store. They sell some of the worst music equipment possible, but our friend is a manager there so we snuck some amps into the drum room and played a bunch of stuff for about an hour. We had people coming in the room to check out what was going on. It was a good time. Went back to the house and jammed more there. Sunday we went downtown to an old high school friend's condo. He makes really good money and lives on the top floor of one of Orlando's tallest buildings. There's a pool on the roof and you can see all of Orlando from the top. It was amazing. We watched football and went swimming. The next week went by without anything interesting. Halloween was uneventful. Did a last minute drive to Orlando to see The Almost. They were awesome. Also had to sit through The Used. They were not awesome. Stayed with Mike C. Sunday I watched more football with old friends. Got out of Orlando pretty early so I could make it back early enough to get a decent night of sleep.
Last week was by far the busiest week in a long time. Two band practices on Tuesday, Wednesday I went to see American Me, hung out with Tony after and went to get food at Latin American Grill. Thursday, two more band practices. Friday, the Outlet Through Noise benefit that I helped put together. I got out of work at 4:30 and went to pick up Nicole. Drove straight to The Talent Farm, met up with Kristen and Justin from OTN, dropped off a bunch of free drinks my job gave me to pass out, went to get ice, back to the venue, filled the coolers with the drinks and ice, and then the show began. I played for two bands that night. We managed to raise a decent amount of money for the charity. I wish we could've done more, but it was out of our hands. Either way, I had an amazing time. We went to Friday's after and ate, and then I drove Nicole home and came back to my house with Kristen and Justin. I had a really good time with them. Even though it was a short visit, I was glad they came down. We went to breakfast the next day before they headed back to Gainesville. I went out to lunch with Brett, his fiance, and Pat after an hour of work. We ate Tropical Smoothie which is so amazingly good. Then we all went to Sam Ash and messed around on the fun toys they have. We make the best music. Saturday night was just relaxing. I was really tired after the show so I just wanted to go to sleep early. Sunday I went out to eat with my friend Ryann. She took me to Tree Tops park in Davie. We walked around in the forest for a little while. Saw a lot of spiders. Took some pictures. It was a good day. I skipped out on the Hit The Lights show to relax at home.
Life has been pretty simple. I don't mind it though. I like just letting things play out. I haven't been too let down from wanting certain things, I've just been taking everything for whatever it is. For example, a few weeks ago I hung out with someone who has a boyfriend, we went to a movie, the whole time she complained to me about how she thinks he's cheating on her. I was respectful and didn't say much about it. Inside I knew what I wanted to say, but I find that its pointless to tell people, especially girls, what you think about their boyfriends and the situation they are in. Chances are they will not do anything about it. So I just let it go. It would've been nice to kiss her, or to eventually date her, but it will probably never happen. That's life. Another example, I hung out with someone else a couple days later, watched some movies together at her house, we cuddled, the night ended well. But after, we didn't really talk much. I tried, but it just didn't seem to happen. So I gave up. Every once in a while I'll see how she's doing, but I don't bend over backwards trying to make plans because it just doesn't happen no matter what I do. So I just let it be. It kinda sucks, but I don't expect much, so I don't get let down. Finally, the most recent one. Now I'd be an idiot to hope for anything out of it, just because of how highly unlikely it is that anything will ever come out of it, but I found myself wondering anyway. Its weird how the least possible one, is the one I'm most intrigued by. But I knew from the second I felt anything that it was a bad idea. Regardless, I'm just letting it be and hanging out. I'm just getting to know people. Trying to learn more about myself and about them. I know that one day everything will fall into place. So until then, I'm just going with the flow.
I mentioned something about this yesterday on twitter, but I think its weird how I treat some girls better than their boyfriends do, yet I'm the one that's single. Granted, I do go for a lot of shitty girls, if I'm such a good guy, why can't I find a good girl? As much as girls don't like to admit it, a lot of them do prefer the assholes. Nice guys do finish last the majority of the time, I just can't bring myself to being a dick anymore. Back when I was a dick, I blew it with someone who I was in love with. So I promised myself not to ever make that mistake again. I am not a bad guy and I can't fake it like I am. I'm not good at playing games. What you see is what you get. Sorry if that's not good enough. One day I'll find someone who appreciates me. So I don't feel the need to pretend I'm someone else just to end up with the girl. If you rather be treated like shit, I'm sorry. That's just not me. I also find it weird how when I do find a good girl, there is always something standing in the way of it. Whether its distance, a boyfriend, or something else, its always enough to ruin it. I guess I'm just unlucky.
So tonight I got asked to start reviewing albums for a certain website. I'm considering it. I love writing and I love music. I just feel like I'm not a good enough writer. I feel like no one is going to care what I think. But I don't know. I was surprised at how many people enjoyed reading these pointless blogs, so maybe I'll give it a shot. I already do reviews with Brett on Armed With Iron Minds so maybe I'll do a couple for a legit site every once in a while. We will see if I have enough time. For one, I'd have to listen to a lot of music, sometimes stuff I don't like, and then on top of that, write about it. With work and the bands, I think it might be a little much. But I might give it a try.
Lately I have been thinking about someone from my past a lot. I miss this person very much. We had a falling out a few months ago, but in the past few weeks, being in a certain place, seeing certain people and things, its all reminded me of the past. It makes things really hard for me. The other day I had lunch with someone who told me that they weren't over a certain person. Not necessarily the person, but the person that they used to be. I think that's how I have felt for years. I miss someone I used to be with. I miss the times that we had together and how amazing that person made me feel. But I know how much they have changed now, and its different. It's just been on my mind a lot lately. I'm getting older. Yeah twenty-three isn't very old, but I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to be single in my late twenties. I want to find someone to settle down with. Every time I see a movie with a cheesy love story, it makes me wish I had what they have. It's so unrealistic and I've said this a bunch of times, but I still hang on to the hope of it. Maybe I'm naive, but I just hope that one day I can be that lucky.
Everyday I ask myself what is left for me here. Everyday I don't have an answer.
Maybe its time for a change. Maybe I need a break for a while. I don't want to grow up yet. I don't want to be stuck working a job forever yet. I still have dreams. I don't want to let those go. It's just so hard to keep them going. I have so much responsibility now. I'm stuck.
So I'll close my eyes and drift into a world where anything is possible, and maybe I'll stay stuck there. Chances are I'll be back to reality tomorrow at 7:00 when my alarm goes off for work. Until then, find me in dreams.
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